“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 415 “From Motherland to Haterville” recap
As NeNe Leakes, Phaedra Parks, Cynthia Bailey, Sheree Whitfield, Kandi Burruss and Marlo Hampton finally pack to depart South Africa, the ladies reflect on what they’ll be taking away from the trip.
“All of us took away that fancy cars mean nothing, designer clothes mean nothing,” says Phaedra. Meanwhile, as Marlo sips an iced concoction out of a brandy snifter, she is instructing her maid how to pack her 44 pairs of red-soled Christian Louboutin designer heels in separate red bags “so they don’t scrub up against each other.” There is also instruction in how to pack her designer handbags and her designer sunglasses.
Outside, the reality TV traumatized people of South Africa literally line up to sing and applaud the housewives’ departure in what appears to be a national day of celebration. Rain greets them. “It’s like Africa is crying because we’re leaving,” Phaedra says. No, that’s what remains of the ozone layer weeping as it calculates how much jet fuel will be burned to fly Marlo and her 22 bags of Phipps Plaza designer excess crap back to Atlanta.
Cyn’s hubby Peter Thomas is much more fiscally sensible, however, as he meets with A Legendary Event owner Tony Conway to go over plans for the couple’s one-year anniversary party. Conway’s company notably oversaw the couple’s drama-filled Fernbank nuptials in Season Three. “You were patient getting that money too,” Peter praises. After reminding Conway of his still-less-than-flush finances, Peter then requests that Conway “feed a bunch of people” at a black tie party for 150 at a private residence, essentially, with a couple of passed Applebee’s Riblet baskets. Apparently, Peter is under the impression that Jesus Christ is the catering director at A Legendary Event.
Notes Conway with his tongue firmly embedded in the witness protection program stashed in his cheek, “It’s interesting that you say ‘feed a bunch of people’ from 7 to midnight — dinner time — but keep the food 'light.'”
At this point, we’d love to report that the light bulb magically snapped on over Peter’s head and he realized that A Legendary Event is a for-profit business venture best known for serving brunches to billionaire women named Oprah. We’d also love to report that Tony Conway then asked Peter his preference between “Cool Ranch” and “Pizza Supreme” flavored Doritos. Alas, that would be as real as one of Phaedra’s mink eyelash extensions.
Oprah Aha! Moment-impaired Peter replies: “Um, yeah, light. How much would that cost?” Conway clears his throat nervously and, through the magic of editing, is saved by NeNe’s entrance. He asks Peter if he’s brought his checkbook for the deposit. Peter replies, “Absolutely not.” With his non tax-deductible charitable giving cameo now in the can, Conway hastily departs. His own place of business.
Peter then refocuses the conversation to NeNe’s son Bryson who was pinched for stealing two $14 disposable razors from Wal-Mart while she was in South Africa. He is currently spending his fifth day as a guest of the Gwinnett County Jail. Peter pleads with NeNe to bail her son out.
“It’s time for tough love,” she counters. “He’s had a very easy life. Now he’s going to see what a tough life is. He can stay in jail and figure it out from behind bars.” In other words, Bryce is going to need counseling sessions run by Christina Crawford by the time Gwinnett County cancels his daily bologna sandwich catering order.
Of course, the episode inevitably ends with a “lovely” luncheon poolside at Kim Zolciak’s house while she interrogates Kandi and company about the Sheree-enhanced, alleged racist remarks made about her in South Africa. Much shouting ensues and an appetizing pasta salad is woefully neglected as the ladies proceed to screech at each other. Kandi glares at Sheree, who currently has a mouthful of canary and says, "That was some straight up bullshit the way you brought it back to her!"
We’ll allow Phaedra, the group’s legal eagle to present her summation: “I know that before this lovely luncheon is over, somebody is going to bring up something about this black baby shenanigans and we’re going to have to re-live another episode of ‘Foolery.’” Programming note: “Foolery” airs on Bravo on Tuesdays between episodes of “That Irritating Blond Woman Takes Over Your Life” and “Celebrity Obsessed Creepy Old Dude with Dyed Goatee Lures You Inside His Studio.”
Coming Next Week: At the funeral home, Phaedra learns how to apply drag make-up “to the deceased,” Kim’s assistant Sweetie tells Kim’s 14-year-old daughter “to go eff yourself” and Peter discovers Jesus Christ charges a lot to pass a couple of Riblet baskets. Asks Cynthia: “Are we still within budget?” Peter: “I’m probably going to have to borrow a thousand dollars from you.” For the anniversary party. I decided to throw for you. Let’s hope Tony Conway is a skilled multi-tasker who can await Peter’s deposit check and Godot simultaneously. . .