I mean, don’t all of YOUR nights on the town end with a little wig-pulling?
We begin where the cameras left off last week: Kim, Sheree, and NeNe outside of FAB yelling and screaming. The fight reached fever pitch when Sheree wrapped her hand around a thick wad of Kim’s wig and tugged on it. She claims she didn’t want to pull it off, “I just wanted to shift it a little bit.” I’m not even going to get into the irony of this blowup happening on Ivan Allen Jr. Boulevard
, a street named for a former Atlanta mayor who was awarded the Martin Luther King Jr. Nonviolent Peace Prize and who promoted desegregation and race relations during the civil rights movement. Sigh.
Kim meets up with her friend Jodi, who drove from Birmingham to comfort her. Jodi says she’s only heard Kim cry twice: when she was getting a divorce and now.
Later, NeNe and Lisa are power-walking through their neighborhood, St. Marlo—well, it was Lisa’s ‘hood till she moved out to Ed’s other property and lost her St. Marlo home to foreclosure earlier this month
. Anyway, they gossip and recall when Sheree and Kim were so tight last season, calling them “Ebony and Ivory.”
Kandi’s out dressed like a Pink Lady with her friend Jing Jing, another single mother, at some sort of fair. They’re talking about Dwight’s party, and hey, Jing Jing knows Dwight! He brings in wine to her doctor’s office in the middle of the day. “For gifts.” Meanwhile, Dwight, the sixth Housewife who really deserves his own show (Are you reading, Bravo?), is getting ready for his ridiculous birthday party to celebrate “fifty wonderful years,”
micromanaging everyone along the way:
“I hate crooked candles.”
“I want high drammer (drama) all night long.”
“Be a bird,” he tells his models.
SIDENOTE: Why does Kim’s wig always have a slightly pink sheen? Can any wig experts out there help?
It’s time for Dwight’s party, which is over-the-top in every way. I thought the time my friends threw me a surprise birthday picnic in Piedmont Park was pretty rad, but now I realize “rad” is only saved for events with trapeze artists and models in full body makeup
. Dwight meets Kandi for the first time, as does Sheree, but Dwight gets really friendly by feeling up Kandi’s bosom. (P.S. He’s spent most of the show calling breasts “melons.”) Gay or not, Dwight has clearly made Kandi feel violated.
Sheree and Lisa are each shown organizing their respective fashion lines, each accusing each other of not being “real” designers. Yada yada yada. NeNe and Kim have met up to discuss the FAB fight, and really, at this point, I stopped listening
. We already know that they don’t like each other, and about the alleged choking incident, so why pay attention to this ruse? I’m also going to skip over the conversation between Lisa and NeNe regarding Lisa’s fertility session, mostly because it caused me to have to explain what a NuvaRing is to my husband and I kind of stopped listening again to do so.
Kandi meets up with TLC’s T-Boz, for whose solo album Kandi is writing a song. T-Boz says she limits her man’s babies’ mamas to two: “I can’t deal with too many heifers.”
Again, we go into the fact that Kandi’s fiancé has four babies’ mamas. Poor Kandi—can we not bring this up EVERY episode? Then Kandi admits she’s been to a weight loss clinic: “If I wasn’t in entertainment, I would have been fat already.”
Sheree finally holds her “independence” party, and her friend Tania gets offended when NeNe tells slender Tania she needs to “eat a sandwich.” Tania goes from zero to sixty in two seconds: “Yeah, I’ve got plenty of room to grow,” she hisses. “Maybe one day I’ll be your size.”
She then turns on Lisa, picking up a strand of Lisa’s curly hair and saying, “You gotta do something with all this stuff.” Oh chile. No you didn’t. Lisa and NeNe are fuming but choose to be mature and pretend like nothing happened. They then proceed to burn what looks like a big bunch of hemp and some sage to “bless” Sheree’s house. (Note to all of my friends: Never do this to my house. Thanks!)
ROTTEN --> RIPE
: What can I say? A whole segment was devoted to you getting the fat steamed out of your legs and how bored you were while the dermatologists were doing it. But I’m sorry—you were pretty boring yourself this episode. And vapid. I’m also making you the rotten one of the week because of these TMZ photos that came out with you and “Big Poppa,”
aka Buckhead real estate guru Lee Najjar, in the Bahamas. Even though you haven’t officially named him as “Big Poppa,” everyone else in town has, and oh yeah: He’s still married. Classy.
: Your wish to reunite with Kim just didn’t ring true; it looked like you were going through the motions for the cameras.
: Points for taking up for NeNe when your stylist, Tracey, was slagging on her weight. “NeNe’s not a plus-size!” Points off, though, for having jumpsuits in your Closet Freak collection.
: You’re pretty ripe this week, if for no other reason than that wig-pulling episode. You were only doing what everyone watching the show has wanted to do since last season! Points off though for having something that looked like a wedding cake at your divorce party—what is that about?
: Again, you win for having some gosh-darned sense. At Dwight’s party you talk about how you don’t drink that much when you’re out. “I don’t want to be seen acting a fool,” you say. Apparently, you’re the only Housewife who feels this way.
Other pretty peaches:
: You look great! And I’d check out your solo album.
Everyone organizing Dwight’s party
: Bless you.
I don’t know why you would drive to the corner for Kim, much less all the way to Atlanta from Birmingham, but I must say, that’s true friendship.
Dear former model and Army vet Tania, were you drunk? I’ve really liked you so far, but there’s no reason to make fun of Lisa by telling her she has “swimmer’s hair,” meaning it looked like she had just jumped out of the pool. Not cool.
What do you think? Do you agree with my assessments? Who was your favorite (or least favorite) from last night? Catch up on all of our Housewives coverage here, and enjoy this preview of next week's episode