At long last, the Falcons have released Michael Vick, the former NFL quarterback-cum-canine-killer who is currently serving the remainder of his prison sentence under house arrest in Virginia. (His release is set for July 20th.) As a parting gift, Vick will cost the Falcons—who were, not surprisingly, unable to trade him during these past few months—a reported $6.4 million in salary cap space. That is, of course, just a fraction of the $130 million the Falcons had planned to pay him over ten years, beginning in 2004, when team owner Arthur Blank gave his own ‘mission accomplished’ speech in reference to Vick: “He’s a Falcon for life.”
In a foolhardy attempt to find some silver lining in all this—besides Matt Ryan, who is more of a god send—I point your attention to the hilarious, Vick-inspired Ron Mexico name generator, created in 2004 by a Finnish man named Tuomas Vitikainen. “Ron Mexico” was the pseudonym Vick allegedly used at the time “for the purpose of herpes testing and/or treatment.” In homage to that ingenious act of self-naming, Vitikainen has made it possible for you, too, to have a bizarrely geographical name (which Vitikainen calls “the ultimate disguise”). Mine is “John Mullet Newfoundland.” Thanks Ron. For that.