Cue the catfights, “RHOA” returns for another season of drama

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“Real Housewives of Atlanta” Recap: Episode 301
 
As season three of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” opens, viewers discover that Sheree Whitfield is in a torrid interracial relationship.
 
He wants a baby. She wants a divorce. There is much emoting in the kitchen.
 
No, wait. Sheree is acting with fellow acting student Paul and coach Kristen.
 
“It’s my new-found passion,” Sheree proclaims. “I can definitely see myself on a stage winning an Oscar one day!”
 
Judging from Sheree’s acting, let’s hope she’ll settle for groping around under a table for a lost earring at the Daytime Emmys technical awards.
 
Blessedly, resident pot stirrer NeNe Leakes arrives with the latest issue of Life & Style magazine with news of Kim Zolciak‘s hot lesbian affair with DJ Tracy Young.
 
Summarizes Sheree: “I never saw that Kim was into women but Kim’s a media whore.”
 
Looking at a tabloid photo of Tracy Young, NeNe expertly adds: “She looks very experienced at women.”
 
Inexplicably, NeNe is is next seen inviting Kim over for wine despite the fact that NeNe spent the better part of season two accusing Kim of trying to strangle her at Atlantic Station.
 
After Kim compliments NeNe on her and hubby Gregg‘s lavish new digs, NeNe replies: “Your approval means everything to me.”
 
And the Oscar goes to. . .
 
Of her new-found fame as a bisexual, Kim explains: “I’ve been chasing dick since I came out of the womb so NeNe’s not believing I went over to the other side for a minute.”
 
Kim also brings word that NeNe’s frienemy, Dwight has allegedly loaned Gregg, whose real estate business is on the skids, $10,000.
 
Doubting the claim, NeNe sniffs: “If Dwight had $10,000, he would get that nose fixed. Who wouldn’t want to breath?!”
 
Cue singing/songwriting housewife Kandi Burruss, who after suffering the loss of her fiance, has returned to the dating pool with Baltimore Ravens running back Willis D. McGahee.
 
As they climb the rock wall at Atlanta Rocks, McGahee runs down all the possible adjectives his middle name could mean: “Danger,” “dominates,” “does it again.”
 
Kandi informs Willis that she’s pledged to be celibate for the remainder of the year.
 
Willis then inquires: “Is oral sex included?”
Kandi replies: “No.”
Willis: “That’s cool.”
 
Hey Willis, we thought of another “D”-word to add to your list: Douchebag.
 
Kim’s 13-year-old daughter Brielle tells her mom she’s totally crushing on a French foreign exchange student at school.
Concedes Kim: “My daughter is dating. It scares the [expletive] out of me. I hope I instilled the morals and values my parents instilled in me.”
 
Alas, “RHOA” producers failed to insert a laugh track into the scene for the bewigged woman who not five minutes before told America: “I’ve been chasing dick since I came out of the womb.”
 
Actually, we’d be happy if Kim would merely instill the values of chewing with your mouth closed to her daughter.
 
Enter the newest “Housewives” cast member, Atlanta “attorney to the stars” Phaedra Parks, whose clients include Bobby Brown and Jermaine Dupri.
 
On a side note, Intel was initially perplexed when we got word that Parks was joining the cast since in our dealings with her over the years, she’s always demonstrated common sense and intelligence.
 
The very-pregnant Phaedra then says of her muscled, tatted up cougar bait hubby Apollo: “He’s younger than me. I’m further along in my career and more established than Apollo but he signed a prenup so I know he doesn’t want my money. He wants me.”
 
In other words, Intel is a ridiculously poor judge of character.
 
Back at the Leakes household, Gregg disputes borrowing $10,000 from Dwight, telling NeNe that Dwight invested $500 in a business scheme that went toes up
 
Naturally, this all builds to a drama-drenched showdown at the Loews Atlanta hotel where the gals gather for an ultra exclusive B Chic Boutique shoe event.
 
How ultra exclusive? Did we mention this posh party is being held in a hotel suite at Loews where the guests are gossiping in the bathroom?
 
NeNe immediately gets in Dwight’s face, accusing him of lying about her husband. She hands him a check for $500 which Dwight destroys with a flourish. And then, NeNe attempts to floss Dwight’s teeth with her weave.
 
As NeNe exits, Phaedra explains in voiceover: “NeNe was really out of control. It was really shameful.”
 
To which we reply: “Have you not watched this show ever?!”
 
In previews for upcoming third season episodes, viewers learn that Phaedra’s hubby is an ex-con (“He’s no different than Martha Stewart,” she explains. “People need to get over it.”). Sheree drag races, Kandi performs and Kim lip syncs “Tardy for the Party” at what could be the worst Gay Pride pool party ever while NeNe debuts as an entertainment corespondent for 11 Alive News.
 
OMG.
 
What are your thoughts on the season premiere?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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