Genius Barred


The Department of Homeland Security’s color-coded terror alert system is deader than Bin Laden, but that’s not stopping patriotic clerks at two metro Atlanta Apple stores from being straight-up CodeOrangeDon’tTreadOnMeLeeGreenwoodIsMyCo-Pilot Vigilant Dudes.

19-year-old University of Georgia student and United States lady human Sahar Sabet told WSB-TV she and her uncle were turned away when they tried to buy an iPad at the North Pointe Apple store last week after a clerk overhead them speaking Farsi. Male American human Zack Jafarzadeh says he had a nearly identical experience trying to buy an iPhone at Perimeter Mall with an Iranian friend. In both instances, the stores claimed they are prohibited by law from exporting technology to Iran and therefore they couldn’t sell an iPad or iPhone to people speaking Farsi.

You might be thinking, “Mr. Nouraee, you are an American person of Iranian descent who loathes discrimination based on ethnicity so surely you must be outraged x2  at the boneheaded behavior of these clerks.” 

Well, you’re wrong. I applaud these courageous clerks. Did you hear that noise? That was me clapping.

I’m not being sarcastic. We Americans simply cannot risk having our best technology falling into the hands of the wrong people. Imagine how much more potent Ahmadenijad’s threats to wipe Israel off the map would be if he suddenly pulled a phone out of his pocket and said, “Siri, please wipe Israel off the map now.” And imagine the popular support he could amass if he got his hands on America’s weapons grade hipster retro photo filter technology?

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Yes, I’m being sarcastic. It’s dumber than dumb to stop someone from purchasing a device in the U.S. because they speak a language spoken in a country we don’t like. Apple apparently agrees as they don’t ask you what languages you speak when you shop online. I hope the North Pointe and Perimeter stores formally apologize to the people affected.

In the meantime, I advise my fellow camel jockeys to purchase their America-destroying technology at the Lenox Apple Store, where deadly iPads and iPhones are abundant and less tightly guarded. Also there’s a Brookstone next door where we can buy towel warmers (a dual-use technology for those of us who own turbans) as well as those adorable $20 remote controlled helicopters to crash into the infidels during the coming Jihad.