“Real Housewives” recap: Kim warbles at the White Party, Phaedra goes all Gary Coleman on us

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“The Real Housewives of Atlanta” recap: Episode 303, “White Hot”
 
As we return to The Land That Taste Forgot aka Bravo’s carefully edited version of Atlanta, we discover several unsettling things.
 
For starters, “RHOA” pot stirrer/hanger on Dwight Eubanks now has a publicist. Cue the long-awaited showdown with Sheree over the gossip that he financed her She by Sheree fashion show to the tune of $30,000.
 
To celebrate the milestone, Dwight has apparently applied $30,000 worth of guyliner. Attempting to explain his inflated expenditures, Dwight tells Sheree that he made multiple trips to Kinko’s.
 
Or as Sheree says in a voiceover: “Is Dwight trying to tell me he spent $30,000 on photocopies?! Come on, now.”
 
Sheree almost had us convinced her single prop plane of self absorption was circling the City of Realityville until she added: “I’m at a point in my life where I really don’t have time for drama. I don’t have time to get in anyone’s face and scream and shout. Besides, I have too much class for that.”
 
Earth to Sheree: Bravo has about 3,000 hours of video footage that would openly contradict that. Hopefully, the network will spring for that remedial class in self-awareness  for Sheree before shooting the series’ inevitable Season Four.
 
Unsettling discoveries No. 2 and 3?
 
Kim names her wigs Debbie, Jane, Jodie and Sierra. Plus, she has multiple nudes of herself hanging on her bedroom wall. Because that’s totally normal, right?
 
Legal eagle “Housewives” cast member Phaedra, meanwhile, finally addresses her hubby Apollo‘s stint in stir, explaining: “It was for racketeering, which is really a white collar crime. It’s no different than Martha Stewart. He served his time. People need to get over it.”
 
Translation: In Phaedra’s universe, how you steal from folks makes a difference. Just don’t have the bad taste to don a ski mask and enter a bank waving a gun, ok? Check.
 
Aside from her jacked up view of the law,  Phaedra has this increasingly creepy, overblown sitcomy expression she shoots Apollo every time he states an opinion that differs from hers. In short, it makes Gary Coleman‘s acting choices on “Diff’rent Strokes” appear subtle in comparison.
 
It’s only a matter of time until she utters: “What choo talkin’ bout Apollo?!”
 
Over in Palm Springs as she preps for her appearance at the annual gay gathering known as the White Party, Kim gets a style makeover by someone wearing stainless steel sunglasses.
 
Inside a hotel room. For reals.
 
This alleged “celebrity stylist” Charlie Altuna decides Kim would look “fabulous!” wearing a black lace-up tutu that resembles something Carrie Bradshaw would wear to get splashed by a bus on “Sex and the City.”
 
If she were charging Mr. Big three grand an hour.
 
After her boobs and panties are sewn into her dress, Kim tries to shake off a case of nerves. Or as Kandi assesses: “She’s either going to kill or she’s gonna die.” (Disappointingly, a 900-number did not flash on screen and viewers did not get to vote on this. . .).
 
Finally, 3,781 wardrobe malfunctions later, Kim and six gyrating black brief wearing male dancers ascend the White Party stage where Kim performs “Tardy for the Party” while lounging inside a six-foot-tall martini glass.
 
That’s spelled C-L-A-S-S-Y, kids.
 
Next week: Viewers go to the hospital with NeNe who has opted to have a little elective surgery on her nose. Let’s hope it’s a “Very Special Episode.”
 
In 3D.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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