“Real Housewives” recap: Kim’s “cracked foundation” sings again, Sheree acts! (air quotes implied. . .)

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“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 310: “Auto-tuned Up” recap
 
As the television equivalent of jamming a syringe of Drano into a carotid artery opens, Kim is bracing for a return visit to esteemed Atlanta vocal coach Jan Smith.
 
Kim invites her lesbian lover DJ Tracy Young to fly down for moral support. Kim calls Tracy “honey bunny.” Tracy calls Kim “baby girl.” And we call our pint of Wild Turkey “delicious” as we shotgun the contents.
 
Inside Cynthia and Peter‘s house, we learn several interesting things about the model and her Uptown Lounge restaurant owner fiance. First, Peter uses a serrated knife to chop celery. Second, Cynthia and Peter’s financial troubles are far worse than we ever anticipated: They have cans of Big K Kroger brand sparkling water in their fridge (AKA bankruptcy preparatory Perrier).  Peter then proceeds to endear himself to his betrothed and us by ordering Cynthia to get off the phone with Nene, pronouncing: “When I walk in the house, I want your undivided attention. I’m dead serious.”
 
As  usual, Kim is properly priortized as walks into Jan Smith Studios. “Do I need lip gloss?” she asks Tracy. In a vain attempt to separate Kim from her “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” lyrics sheet (How can the woman not know the words when the tune is already cemented into our heads?!), Mama J gently informs her: “The word is ‘woah.’ You don’t really need to read that.”
 
NeNe is slung up in the bed and is badly depressed over her fight with Gregg. How do we know NeNe is depressed? She only put in her 178-carat diamond earrings.
 
During a photo shoot with Atlanta celeb shutterbug Spark St. Jude, baby Ayden finally exacts his revenge on his monster mommy Phaedra by going number two all over her.
 
Phaedra quickly learns why most parents of a newborn use diapers. “Eeew,” she says. “He knows not to poop on his mama. He needs to save that for Apollo and diaper-changing time.”
 
After twisting Ayden into a series of positions most Cirque du Soleil performers try and avoid, Spark suggests they try some “artistic shots.” This involves Apollo taking off his shirt.
 
Budding actress Sheree, meanwhile, is headed to The People Store to audition for potential agents. Offering RHOA editors a potential segueway from Phaedra’s sequence, Sheree says: “I want to crap my pants.” How gifted is Sheree as a thespian? In SAT analogy question form, it would read: “Kim Zolciak is to singing as Sheree Whitfield is to what?” The correct answer: “A 47-car pile up on Spaghetti Junction with no survivors.”
 
The episode’s staged for the cameras, group activity takes place at a Friday night drag race where inexplicably Kandi races her Mercedes while Sheree attempts to short-circuit the seat warmers in her Aston Martin by gunning it to 120 mph.
 
Peter, meanwhile, gives NeNe the hairy eyeball. On the drive home, NeNe calls to confront Peter about his “cold ass” behavior. Peter grabs Cynthia’s phone and screams into it: “I HAVE NO PROBLEM SAYING I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH YOU.”
 
Um, OK, dude. Whatever you say. Peter might need to chill out with a refreshing can of Big K Sparkling Water. . .
 

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