“Real Housewives” recap: Mud gets flung at Buckhead’s Arista spa

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“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 312: “Not So Fine Print” recap
 
As the television alternative to gargling glass opens, Cynthia and NeNe are at Fernbank where the model is explaining her upcoming “non-traditional” wedding to the budding 11 Alive corespondent.
 
Gazing out at the museum’s trademark attraction, NeNe says: “Well, this is seriously different.” Cynthia replies: When the tables, the lights and the flowers are set up, you won’t even notice the dinosaurs.” NeNe’s response: “Am I going to be blindfolded?”
 
Phaedra’s ever-selfless journey into motherhood continues with a visit from Kandi. Explaining little Ayden Adonis‘ current medical condition, the lawyer explains: “He’s got baby acne. You can’t take pictures of him looking like that either.”
 
Between sessions of not bothering to learn the choreography for her upcoming promo tour with Kandi, Kim is visited by her wardrobe stylist and her two shoe stylists. As Kim squeezes her voluptuous twins into a form-fitting dress, the wardrobe stylist tells her: “Side boobs are the new butt cleavage.”
 
Note to self: re-think entire Intel Central holiday wardrobe.
 
Admiring herself in one of the 200 mirrors in her bedroom, Kim supplies valuable insight into her style sense: “There’s a fine line between being stylish and trashy.” So which side of the fashion fence does Ms. Zolciak fall on? Perhaps her stylist articulates it best: “You won’t be able to see the areola if we do a little bit of a pastie.”
 
For those of you who watch from the safety of your home, here’s a lively new drinking game we debuted during Sunday night’s episode: Do a shot every time Kim greets someone with: “Hi, love!” We can almost guarantee you’ll regain consciousness in time for Season Four.
 
NeNe, meanwhile, has good news for 11 Alive news director Ellen Crooke: She’s secured record producer Jermaine Dupri for an interview. Crooke then advises: “Remember your listening skills and let the interview be about him.” Alas, Crooke neglects to mention that actually breaking down and doing some research on your interview subject might later come in handy.
 
Season-long smack talking amongst the ladies comes to a head when they gather at Arista Spa in Buckhead.
 
Sheree gets the drama ball rolling by mocking Cynthia’s “friendship contract” with NeNe. Adds Kim: “I was just weirded out by it.”
 
Statisticians take note: In episode 12 of the season, Cynthia finally bares her meticulously manicured talons and says: “Let’s talk about being ‘weirded out,’ Kim. I’m ‘weirded out’ that you think you can sing. I’m ‘weirded out’ that you wear a wig. And I’m ‘weirded out’ that you had a full-on relationship with a married man.”
 
At this point, we would have gotten up and high-fived our TV if we hadn’t been deep into researching the “Hi, love!” drinking game.
 
Explains kind, considerate Kim to Cynthia: “I’m just a little protective of NeNe.” Kandi then reaches all the way back to NeNe and Kim’s now-legendary, calling-the-cops fight at Atlantic Station from Season Two and throws a flag on that play, saying: “Girl, one minute NeNe is choking you and the next you’re protecting her? You need to protect yourself, honey!”
 
At which point, we did in fact get up off the couch, squint hard, focus on the television swirling around in the center of our blurred vision and proceed to high-five Ms. Burruss.
 
Then it’s Phaedra’s turn to address Kim and “all the chatter about my due date. I hear lots of things about you but I don’t run around talking about Big Poppa’s foreclosure. It’s none of my business.”
 
Kim adjusts her wig, knocks back her 12th glass of chardonnay and replies: “Well, I don’t talk about your husband being a convict.”
 
Oh, hell to the naw.
 
Phaedra responds by taking off her earrings, applying some some Vaseline to her face and tells Kim to “Cut it!” Bobby Brown‘s attorney then adds in voiceover: “Miss Kim backed down because she knew I was a crazy black woman!”
 
Kim’s not the only one. We awoke on Monday morning to discover an iTunes receipt for a download of “My Prerogative” and 13 episodes of “Celebrity Rehab 4.”
 
Coming up in the Jan 9th all-new episode of “RHOA:” NeNe  and the 11 Alive film crew finally get their sit down with Jermaine Dupri and make every moment count.
 
Here’s a preview of the scintilating interview: NeNe: “You started out as a concert promoter?” Jermaine: “No.” NeNe: “You have a radio show?” Jermaine: “No.” NeNe: “Did you play an instrument as a child?” Jermaine: “No.”
 
Have we mentioned that 2011 just can’t get here fast enough?
 
 
 

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