“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 309: “NeNe Get Your Gun” recap
As this week’s super-sized televised argument for a frontal lobotomy opens, the ladies are guests on Kandi’s Internet sex show, “Kandi Kolored Nights,” broadcast from the Grammy winner’s Smyrna shop, Tags Boutique.
NeNe tells us her “freak number” is a rather conservative 3. That is, until, adult entertainer Mr. Luscious shows up in a loin cloth to jiggle his junk. Did we mention this was a supersized episode?
The recently engaged Cynthia and Peter, meanwhile, are busy planning their wedding that will apparently involve a ceremony at Fernbank, a full gospel choir and “element after element after element.” There’s but one hiccup: “We have absolutely no money,” explains Peter, whose nightspot, The Uptown Lounge went belly up just before this season started airing on Bravo.
To underscore the point, Cynthia asks of a departing dish at the menu tasting: “Are you guys going to throw that away? That needs to go home. That will make a good sandwich later.” Yes, the allegedly loaded “supermodel” requests a doggy bag for the wedding tasting menu cast offs.
NeNe goes with pal Diana to visit high profile Atlanta family law attorney Randy Kessler at his downtown offices to discuss her options about divorcing husband Gregg. Explains NeNe: “I’m not telling anyone but Diana that I’m taking legal steps to get a divorce.” Well, Diana, the Bravo reality television crew and millions of tragic couch-bound viewers who can’t seem to locate the remote to turn off this trash.
Kim and her 13-year-old daughter Brielle are shopping at Guvens Fine Jewelry at the Mall of Georgia in Buford for an abstinence ring for Brielle. Advises Kim to owner Chris Guvens: “It’s got to be so fabulous, she keeps her legs closed.” Unlike Kim, that is, who had Brielle at age 19. They settle on a $3,000 diamond dusted bauble.
Kandi is in the studio working with producers to rearrange “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” to suit Kim’s vocal range. A range that, incidentally, has yet to be discovered by the world’s audio engineers.
Of the vocally challenging original version, engineer Blue sagely says: “She’s scared of it.” They proceed to “dumb down” the song.
Phaedra and hubby Apollo bring home little Ayden Adonis, who, bless his heart, still lacks the eye-hand coordination to to dial DFCS on his mother’s cellphone.
Explains Ayden’s ever-involved mama: “Before this, I was fancy free and footloose, shopping and doing whatever I wanted. Now, I’m sort of chained to this baby.”
Let’s break this down into TV mom terminology: Phaedra Parks makes Betty Draper look like Claire Huxtable.
Ayden is clad head to toe in a suffocating hand-knitted outfit (“The designer crochets for Oprah so this is very special.”). Still, Apollo manages to liberate his sweating offspring from the ensemble who is so hungry he proceeds to try and nurse on his father.
Later at dinner, the ladies pass around an iPad as they listen in to Gregg talk at Large FM host Corey King about his impending divorce from NeNe: “I spent $300,000 cash out of my own money to make sure she jumped off in Georgia. And she went and blew up. Then the fame went to her head. I want every dime back.”
In perhaps the episode’s biggest understatement, Kandi assesses: “NeNe is going to be pissed.“
Meanwhile, Kandi plays the new, less vocally challenging version of “Ring” for Kim (essentially, this over-produced, two-note pop song could now even be successfully performed live by Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks on the Grammys). Proclaims Kim: “It’s perfect!”
Over lunch at the Highland Bakery, Sheree has it out with “Love Doctor” Tiy-E Mohammad over his increasingly squishy resume. Appropriately, the Highland Bakery has seated the pair at a sidewalk table on North Highland Avenue. Regrettably, it’s still multiple feet away from oncoming traffic.
Says Sheree: “Not once while you were in town did you call and ask, ‘Sheree, can i take you to dinner? Can I take you to lunch?” To which Dr. McSketchy replies: “Why does a man have to feed you to talk to you?”
“The Love Doctor” then prescribes this: “Please don’t interrupt me again. Sometimes, a woman has to shut up and let a man talk.” At this point, we realize this fool has as much God-given ability to be a relationship expert as we do controlling the Pentagon’s budget.
Or as Sheree more succinctly articulates it: “Love Doctor my ass!”
Over at NeNe’s Bedazzled-challenged 11 Alive newsroom cubicle, she does what any completely self-absorbed, aspiring TV reporter does on her very first day at work: She Googles herself. She promptly pulls up Gregg’s smack-saturated Large FM interview.
Cautions 11 Alive anchor Karyn Greer: “If you want to be in this business, these kinds of things could totally ruin your career. This is grounds for being fired.” Greer advises NeNe to keep her business off the Internet, saying: “Dogs don’t bark at parked cars.”
Alas, parked cars don’t get re-signed for season four either. Just ask former “RHOA” cast member turned Riesling guzzling, glorified guest star Lisa Wu Hartwell.
Blessedly, NeNe ignores the advice and goes home, yanks Gregg out of his basement man cave for an extended throw down: “I am your wife. For 13 years! I got with your ass when you didn’t have a dime. I didn’t get with you for money. I got with you because I loved you. You want your money back? Gimme back the labor pains I had for your ass. Gimme back the shoes off your feet, the shirt off your back. I bought ’em.”
Gregg explains: “I was venting to what I perceived to be a friend.” Yes, Gregg. A friend who hosts an Internet radio show.
NeNe is so ticked, she pulls off her false eyelashes mid-fight and says: “That’s it. We’re done.”
Coming next week: The triumphant return of Atlanta celeb shutterbug Spark St. Jude, who snaps artful photos of Phaedra and Apollo as baby Ayden exacts his revenge on his monster mommy by relieving his bowels on her white outfit. Plus, Atlanta vocal coach Jan Smith (who brilliantly assessed Kim in season one thusly: “You live in a beautiful house with a cracked foundation”) returns for an encore session with the AutoTune-trained performer.