“The Real Housewives of Atlanta”: Episode 304: “Petty Boughetto.”
As our weekly venture into reality TV waterboarding opens, NeNe is in the offices of Duluth plastic surgeon Dr. David Whiteman for a consult. Lamenting her marital problems, NeNe explains: “I want to get my happy back.”
The return of happy apparently involves a breast reduction, a nose job and liposuction.
“I have a small pooch and I want you to get it out,” NeNe instructs to which Dr. Whiteman replies: “You have a dog?”
At deadline, Intel was unable to confirm Dr Whiteman’s upcoming appearance at the Funny Farm.
Over at Kim’s house, the self-described gay icon’s parents Joe and Karen are paying a visit. Here’s a shocker: Joe drinks. Intel fleetingly considered playing a drinking game where we would take a sip of wine every time Joe did. But we feared we would create a fresh drive thru window at Green’s while picking up additional supplies.
Surprising no one, Kim announces that she and Big Poppa are back together. Naturally, Kim’s White Party performance is on YouTube and she proudly shows off the video clip as Karen sings along.
Explains Joe: “I’m very proud of her. She’s a very class individual. She’s a professional. When she was in the eighth grade, she sang a Christmas song and I had tears in my eyes.”
We’re fairly certain Dallas Austin could relate to that, Joe.
Next up is the world’s longest limo ride to the annual Steeplechase with Phaedra, Dwight, Cynthia and her man Peter. Phaedra and Dwight are wearing matching pink hats. Or as Cynthia observes: “Phaedra looked like a black Tammy Faye Baker and Dwight looked like Willy Wonka.”
After Phaedra and Dwight get waltzing lessons from Atlanta dance instructor Bubba Carr, we’re off to the Porter Sanford III Performing Arts and Community Center in DeKalb County in time for Sheree‘s beau “Dr.” Tiy-E Muhammad‘s relationships seminar.
He offers insights such as: “We want you to look good but if your hair is so fly that I can’t lie you across the bed and get fly with you, then that’s an issue.” Translation: Somebody’s heard “Stop it, you’re messing up my hair!!” a whole lot.
There was also something about letting the man open the ketchup for you. But to be honest, the noise coming from our rum-enriched blender prevented us from writing it down exactly.
Naturally, the episode’s producer-created climax involves the ladies being shoehorned into a social situation together. This time, it’s Phaedra’s self-thrown baby shower (wedding?) at an alleged super luxe venue that looks suspiciously like the special events space at Park Tavern where Intel has twice observed regulars yakking on each other’s shoes.
Resplendent in blue with rhinestones glued to her eyelids, Phaedra does what every expectant mother does at a baby shower. She misses half of it waiting in the back for stragglers to arrive so she can have her “big reveal.”
Making a cameo appearance? Former “RHOA” cast member Lisa Wu Hartwell. Explains Kandi: “I haven’t seen Lisa since she moved her to new place.”
In other words, Lisa’s new house must be far, far away from the McMansion mainstays on “RHOA.” We’re going to theorize that this magical land is called Buckhead.
When Kandi notices someone has glued a tiara to Phaedra’s face, she says: “I love Phaedra but the rhinestones on the eyelids thing? That was boughetto.That’s booshie and ghetto at the same time.” (Editor’s note: According to the Urban Dictionary, booshie is defined thusly: “An affectation of a lifestyle, i.e., limited luxury and limited refinement aka, mannerisms, speech, dress, appearance, spending habits commonly applied to one who has a ghetto upbringing.”
Inexplicably, ballerinas then materialize to twirl around the baby shower. Kim gets points for being on point when she says: “She’s out to here and she’s waltzing? Sit in the [expletive] rocking chair, open your gifts, have some cake and call it a day!”
And we’re out.
But just like a world-weary hitman in a Scorsese picture, we’re immediately drawn back in as soon as Bravo runs a preview of next week’s episode where NeNe announces: “The thought of my mother using a dildo is enough to put me in a psychiatric ward.”
Dammit, somebody set the TiVo. . .