“Real Housewives” recap: Phaedra’s pregnancy photo shoot, tips for downtown improvement

“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 305: “Hot Mama’s Day” Recap
As our weekly argument for tougher FCC broadcasting standards opens, we’re on the set of Kandi’s Internet sex talk show, “Kandi Koated Nights.” The evening’s special guest is Kim.
Well, if she can find her way inside. Given that her assistant Sweetie thinks you can drive to the Bahamas and that the show is on PBS, we’re not optimistic. Once on air, Kim puts to rest our lingering concerns that she has a medical malady known as “beef curtains.”
Back in Duluth plastic surgeon Dr. Whiteman‘s office, NeNe is getting a post-op exam on her nose job, liposuction and breast reduction. As always, NeNe is all about prioritizing. Inquires the memoirist at full volume: “Can I have some wine?” Blessedly for viewers, the answer is yes.
NeNe and Cynthia are off celebrate at Cynthia’s house where we learn that Cyn isn’t exactly the brainiest beauty on the catwalk. Exhibit A: She attempts to open a $50 bottle of Moet & Chandon Rose champagne with a cork screw.
The gals then stagger their way to the Intimacy store at Phipps Plaza. You know, the one with the large sign out front that reads: “Intimacy Bra Fitting Specialist.” Cynthia is shopping for honeymoon lingerie despite the fact that her boyfriend Peter hasn’t yet proposed. She then asks a sales assistant: “Can I get fitted for a bra here?” Bless her heart. Good thing she’s pretty.
Developers of the inevitable “Trivial Pursuit: Real Housewives of Atlanta Edition” board game, take note. NeNe is a 34-F and Cynthia is a 32-D. Oh, and apparently there’s a product in the world named The Butt Booster.
Preggers Phaedra and her hubby Apollo meanwhile, are readying for their Demi Moore-inspired pregnancy photo shoot with Atlanta celeb shutterbug Spark St. Jude.
Explains Phaedra: “I really want to capture my stomach and all that stuff.” Apparently, “stuff” includes the world’s largest jar of pickles and a picture-perfect feeding frenzy of brined cucumbers.
Advises Spark at one point: “You can suck it, you don’t have to bite it!” Note to self: Needlepoint that onto a pillow ASAP.
Kim and daughter Ariana are busy darkening the doorstep at Georgia Baby & Kids where they’re shopping for a new bedroom set for Ariana. Unsure about what to buy, a sales rep helpfully suggests: “We can design something suited to your personality. What do you like to do?” Ariana’s response: “Eat chicken.”
Given the substantial price tag of designing your own childrens’ bedroom furniture, it might be more financially sound for Kim to open a Chick fil-A in Ariana’s bedroom.
This week’s hot mess excuse for the cast to gather together? Cynthia wants to throw a Mother’s Day brunch for the ladies.
Did we mention the girl isn’t too bright?
Or as NeNe explains it: “Phaedra and her ex-con husband? Oh, great. That’s how I wanted to spend my Mother’s Day.”
Before the guests arrive, Cynthia warns boyfriend Peter: Don’t bring up NeNe and Gregg’s marital problems. Which is a little like instructing Basil Fawlty not to bring up World War II in front of the German hotel guests.
Replies Peter: “That’s none of my business. We’re just gonna flow.” Poor Peter. He’s still new on this show.
At this point, Phaedra has finished off her jar of pickles and naturally wants to share her opinion of Cynthia and Peter’s neighborhood: “Cynthia lives in a regentrification zone. Which is basically where they make the hood into the suburbs. It’s not for me, personally. “
Over brunch, the gals, along with Kandi’s adorable truth-telling mother Joyce, exchange sex tips. Phaedra personally endorses regentrifying downtown with a little powdered sugar.
Apparently this works. Apollo shows up toting a $3.8 million Gucci diaper bag as a Mother’s Day gift.
But NeNe’s take? “I would never put Kool-Aid, candied yams, peppermint candy or pancake syrup in my va jay jay. That’s crazy.” Note to self: Order a bigger pillow and more thread.
On the subject of sex, NeNe explains: “I’m low key in the bedroom. I’m like a wide receiver. I just want to lie there and take it. I don’t want to work too hard.”
Peter then proves he’s now consumed enough brunch booze to become a full-fledged member of the cast. He returns from the kitchen with a crazy big wooden spoon and promptly stirs this into the conversation: “Maybe that’s why a whole lot of [expletive] is going on with you and Gregg right now.”
If NeNe still had nostrils, they’d be flaring right about now.
Instead, she gets a comforting hug and some no nonsense advice from Joyce who needs her own Bravo relationship advice show pronto: “You only have one life. Don’t waste time. Live.”
The next logical question: Does Phaedra handle divorce cases?
One programming note: As of this week, “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” moves to Sundays at 10 p.m. opposite another set-in-Atlanta series that threatens to eat your brain:  “The Walking Dead” on AMC.