“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 315: “Floridon’t” recap
This super-sized, 75-minute edition of the Bravo reality show is brought to you by Extra Strength Tylenol Gelcaps and Everclear Grain Alcohol. Well, OK. Not really. But those are the two products we huffed repeatedly in order to write this recap.
As expected, the girls’ weekend in Miami to celebrate model Cynthia‘s upcoming, imploding nuptials picks up on Kandi‘s tour bus where NeNe and Kim are still threatening to throttle each other.
Finally, the “RHOA” cast is reunited at the Miami mansion home of Kim’s friend real estate “mogul” Thomas Kramer. In short, Thomas’ home looks like he hired the curators of the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum to do the decor. Only busier.
The home’s knickknacks include Kramer’s childhood German Shepherd that is now stuffed and standing at eternal attention. Says Kim: “He has great taste.”
Since the weekend was planned for just the girls, Sheree‘s songstress/stylist Lawrence sashays in from Atlanta for the occasion. Explains Sheree: “NeNe says it’s a girls weekend. Well, Lawrence is one of the girls.” Phaedra, meanwhile, begs to differ: “He loves lipstick, he loves heels, he probably even loves panties but he still has a penis.”
After Kim and Kandi perform one last show, the girls all turn up to support Cynthia who is modelling swimwear at the A.Z. Araujo Runway Show during Miami Swim Week. Since Cynthia and Peter‘s Uptown Supper Club closed, she’s desperate to bring in some much needed cash infusion for the couple’s Fernbank wedding.
As always, the girls are amazingly supportive and immediately start dishing on the “junk” in Cynthia’s “trunk.” Says Sheree: “I don’t know if Cynthia would have made it as a model for She by Sheree because my samples were 4’s and 6’s. That booty is clearly a 12.” Adds Phaedra: “Cynthia might be model but in that swimsuit, she’s looking like a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese.”
Back at the Ripley’s Museum, Kandi innocently asks Cynthia if she and Peter have decided to go on a honeymoon. Cue the waterwarks, sobbing, a dash to the powder room and NeNe working the drama to the hilt. Cyn decides she needs to leave Miami before her bachelorette bash. As always, Sheree is sensitive to Cynthia’s feelings: “You ungrateful bitch. Everybody flew down her for you. Woman up!”
Much to Phaedra’s relief, Cynthia decides to stay and celebrate. Explains Phaedra: “We’ve got some strippers on deck and I don’t want to waste a fun night.” As it turns out, the gym bodied men shedding their clothes are clients of Phaedra’s law practice. Summarizes Kim: “Why does a stripper need a lawyer? I knew Phaedra had an entertainment law practice. I just didn’t know it was adult entertainment.”
After an appropriate interval for ogling, the men find their clothes and depart. Cynthia then thanks everyone for their support. Clearly, she has not yet seen the interviews pertaining to her posterior.
Coming in Next Week’s VERY DRAMATIC Season Finale: Cynthia deliberates whether or not to go through with the wedding, Gregg pleads with NeNe to let him out of the basement (“I’m sorry I didn’t acknowledge your hurt.”), Kandi and Kim throw down over royalties and the wedding at Fernbank finally happens. Or does it? The dinosaurs are there, Atlanta Falcon Kroy Biermann is there, Peter shows up (sloshed!) but where is Cynthia?!
Our hunch? When Fernbank found out their check didn’t clear, the bride was probably put to work Swiffering the Giganotosaurus. . .