“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 302: “Model Behavior”
Our weekly trip to Hot Mess Central opens with one-hit-wonder Kim “Tardy for the Party” Zolciak jogging with her assistant Sweetie.
Explains Kim: “Being a quote, unquote pop star and looking good go hand in hand.”
The experiment in exercise gets as far as a beer truck outside a liquor store where the pair plead for and receive a couple of brewskis that they proceed to drink in public.
The show’s actual pop star Kandi Burruss, meanwhile, is in the studio with Atlanta singer-songwriter Ne-Yo working on new material. She reveals to the cameras that Kim has made an estimated “$80,000 to $100,000” off “Tardy,” a song Kandi wrote.
Finally, viewers meet season three’s other new cast member, Cynthia Bailey, a gorgeous model who co-owns the Uptown Lounge with boyfriend Peter. Cynthia explains that she and her 10-year daughter Noelle moved to Atlanta to be closer to Peter after living for 25 years in New York City.
Or as the prospective Atlanta Chamber of Commerce president explains: “It’s kind of fun being the big fish in a small pond. I really want to try and make Atlanta as fabulous as New York is.”
Here’s one tip, Cyn. It involves your ‘tude and a Delta flight.
Sheree, meanwhile, ends up in a sketchy East Point neighborhood on a blind dancing date with businessman Tiy-E Muhammad. As she enters, he hands her a bouquet of flowers.
Or as the ever-gracious Sheree explains: “They looked like he just pulled by a Kroger and picked them up.”
Roughly translated, Mr. Muhammad, that’s Sheree-speak for “Thank you.”
Back in Kim’s kitchen, the phone rings and its White Party organizer Jeffrey Sanker asking her to come to Palm Springs to sing “Tardy” in front of 10,000 shirtless gay men on a beach.
Zolciak with a Z then proclaims to the cameras: “I’ve acquired such a huge gay following and the White Party is such a huge gay event, it’s only logical that I perform, right?”
Kim decides to ask Kandi to join her at the event. Reasons Kim: “Kandi knows a lot about music: sound checks, microphones.”
In other words, Kim wants the Grammy winner to be her roadie. For one song.
We can only pray one of those 10,000 gay men snatches that polyester thing off her head and holds her down for a make over.
NeNe, meanwhile, is having major problems with son Brice who is 20, directionless and about to be homeless.
We’d love to be able to report all the layered nuances of NeNe’s pearls of parenting. Alas, we were busy in the kitchen prying the cork out of a petite tanker truck of red wine (we don’t recommend watching this show sober under any circumstances…).
Natch, this episode of Bravo’s hit “reality” show culminates with the entire cast at the Uptown Lounge to watch Kandi perform.
NeNe’s frienemy Dwight is seated with Phaedra Parks and hubby Apollo as the other housewives stare daggers and gossip about Apollo’s prison stint.
Or as Phaedra observes: “I love me some Kandi but all I could really think about was Dwight and how he might get jumped by these crazy heffers beside us.”
Eventually, Dwight and NeNe discuss the previous week’s drama concerning her husband Gregg‘s loan/investment of $500/$10,000.
There are hugs, apologies, bodily fluids and fashionable pocket squares exchanged.
But NeNe warns: “I can forgive but I can’t forget.”
We don’t expect you to, NeNe. Otherwise, we would all be watching “Dancing with the Stars” on Monday nights.