The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 403: “Shower the Baby, Muzzle the Boy” recap:
As our weekly odyssey into self-inflicted alcohol poisoning opens, viewers are treated to a visual of Sheree Whitfield’s toilet. And so are her new neighbors! Alas, this is not a fancy metaphor for the state of programming on Bravo. The ex-wife of NFL star Bob Whitfield has purchased property in “one of the most desirable neighborhoods in Atlanta” and is having vintage colonial two-story on the lot ripped down so she can erect Chateau Sheree, a lovely McMansion on the site, complete with a large stylish “S” dangling over the front door. With the outer wall now missing, Sheree’s throne is now on public display. Judging from the lush tree cover on the rural lot, “one of the most desirable neighborhoods in Atlanta” is located in Ellijay. It doesn’t help that Sheree has worn four-inch heels to the demolition site. Advises Andrew the contractor: “The next time you come to my job site, wear tennis shoes.” Sheree is quick to correct the contractor: “This is my job site. You wear heels the next time!”
Atlanta attorney/fledgling funeral director Phaedra Parks and her ex-con hubby Apollo, meanwhile, are having an uncomfortable biscuit breakfast nosh, discussing Apollo’s recent run-in with police during a traffic stop. “Dude snatches me out the car, threw me onto the pavement, had my face down in the asphalt with a pistol to my head!” Apollo recounts for the cameras. According to Phaedra, the stop was a case of mistaken identity but the encounter has hit the blogosphere and Apollo is unwell. “Because of my conviction, everything’s an issue,” he complains. “I can’t fight society and come home and fight you too!”
Phaedra’s take? “It’s just some crazy gossip mill rumor which is normal in Haterville Atlanta.”
As a public service to our fair city, the Housewives Home Office will now conduct a side bar with counselor Parks: Miss Thang, don’t even try and blame the city of Atlanta for this. You’re the one who decided to marry a man with a criminal record and then sign a contract to act a fool on national television every Sunday night for all of America to see (but rest assured, HHO HQ will continue to tune in, point and laugh, make snap judgments and consume far too many Funions deliciously enrobed in Kroger French onion dip at your expense).
Once again demonstrating her uncanny ability for selecting just the right footwear for any occasion, Sheree attempts to navigate the rock garden patio at Park Tavern in Midtown wearing six-inch heels where she meets Kim for a trip down memory lane. This gives RHOA producers a chance to once again run the Season Two clip of Sheree physically assaulting the platinum polyurethane possum on Kim’s head outside of FAB on Ivan Allen Boulevard. In between, Sheree gets to brag about the creation of Chateau Sheree. Not surprisingly, the pair shares the same perspective regarding historic home preservation. Or as Kim more succinctly says: “I hate used houses.”
Shopping for Kim’s baby shower at Due Maternity, Phaedra and Kandi Burruss discover the joys of The Mother Tucker Belly Bandit. Basically, the thing looks like a torture device developed in a joint venture between Al-Qaeda and Spanx. The body condom “helps you suck it all in after you have a baby,” explains Phaedra. The girls also can’t help gossiping about castmate Cynthia Bailey’s hubby Peter’s scandalous interview in Uptown magazine where he declares Sheree “not cute” and expresses his distain for Phaedra. With keen insight for the intelligence of the RHOA viewing audience, the producers then cut to an image of said interview with “I can’t stand Phaedra’s ass!” highlighted in yellow. Keeping with the carefully constructed editorial theme, Phaedra notes: “That’s his opinion. And everyone knows an opinion is like an anus. We all have one.” For good measure, Phaedra sniffs that Peter bears a more than passing resemblance to Papa Smurf.
Of course, the episode careens toward its illogical conclusion at 200 Peachtree Street. The red carpet-adorned special events facility downtown housed in the former Macy’s building is the site of Kim Zolciak and Atlanta Falcon Kroy Biermann’s baby shower. Aside from the sensual life-sized photos of Kroy nuzzling Kim’s swollen bare belly strategically placed around the former Macy’s cosmetics counter, the soiree is regrettably tasteful. Blessedly, Cynthia and Peter roll in five hours late to drop off some gift-wrapped drama.
Peter’s Uptown magazine interview does not go unnoted. Phaedra references Peter’s quotes about her Haterville-postioned posterior. Apollo and Peter then have an unpleasant exchange about Peter’s published assessment of Apollo’s wife’s assets. Counters Peter: “I’m a reactor. You take jabs and I’m gonna take jabs back. I ain’t the one getting pulled over. I got myself together.”
Oh, no he diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin’t.
Apollo responds by pointing out Peter’s resemblance to international instant rice mogul Uncle Ben. Peter gets up in the younger house hubby’s grill and taunts: “If I’m so old, bring it!” For Apollo, this is the moment in the episode where being married to a thoughtful, skilled, reasonable litigator could come in handy. Says Phaedra: “Apollo’s off parole so he could beat him up!”
Cynthia drags Peter out of the party before the argument escalates further. “I was very uncomfortable,” Cynthia explains afterward. “And embarrassed. And humiliated. And mortified. And any other word you can think of.”
Coming Next Week: Peter apologizes to Cynthia with a Word a Day for Death by Embarrassment desk calendar.