The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 406: “Three Wigs and a Baby” recap:
As this week’s smorgasbord of intellectual malnutrition opens, Kim Zolciak is clutching her wig, downing a cream cheese adorned bagel and heading out the door to give birth. She preps her Atlanta Falcon baby daddy Kroy Biermann appropriately: “Whatever I do or say today, don’t hold it against me.” With a previous pregnancy, her epidural didn’t take. Or as Kim more thoughtfully phrases it: “It was nine pounds au naturel. It was like a Mack truck driving through your whoo ha.”
Kim is nervous. We know this because she announces it 4,763 times. She is concerned that Kroy is not nervous. He assures her that he is indeed nervous but is carefully concealing it behind his best Sunday afternoon NFL game face. “Do you think I panic in the locker room?” he asks Kim rhetorically. Completely oblivious to the concept of rhetorical inquires, Kim answers: “This is a baby, not a football!”
Over at the future site of Chateau by Sheree, Sheree Whifield and her mama Thelma stare dreamily into a ditch and discuss deadbeat daddies. Sheree is pondering taking ex-hubby/ex-Falcon Bob Whitfield to court for non-payment of child support. Thelma has some knowledge to share. “I didn’t say anything bad to you about your father but I took him to court and got child support,” she says. This factoid of family history is news to Sheree. She decides to have Phaedra Parks take Bob to court, who sadly, is apparently feeding himself these days via their daughter’s birthday gift cards. When Sheree returns home, she discovers Bob has made a preemptive strike. She’s been served with court papers from Whitfield requesting that she pay child support to him, citing her $19,000 a month payday versus his $3,000 a month salary.
Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes travel to New York City on business where Cyn has a meeting with media mogul and ex-boyfriend Russell Simmons. She wants to partner with Simmons to launch a modeling search between his men’s fashion line and her Atlanta-based Bailey Modeling Agency. Awash in a sea of strategically placed copies of his latest book, “Super Rich,” Simmons offers an alternative name: “The Bailey Agency School of Fashion.” In case she missed it, Simmons points out, “I gave you a jewel. Did you catch it?” Simmons’ reasoning for the name change is simple: “That way you don’t have to throw out every chubby girl.” Furthering his campaign to convince Merriam-Webster to place his picture next to the word “pig” in their 2012 edition, Simmons then proceeds to hit on his now-married ex multiple times before requesting that she exit his office first. So he can he ogle her ass.
Back in Atlanta, Kim is finally ready to give birth. We know this because there is not a single word that is currently coming out of her mouth that cannot be bleeped by producers. Dr. Hood, her OB/GYN, explains this medical phenomenon in more scientific terms: “Do you hear any cussing? If she’s not cussing, she’s not ready.” Before passing the aforementioned Mack truck through her lady parts, Kim has a request. A large diet lemonade. Kroy reminds her that she can only have “clear liquids.” Kim then wants to engage in a lengthy discussion about the precise clarity of a large diet lemonade. In a show of solidarity for Kim’s plight, we here at HHO HQ thoughtfully add a few ice chips into our current favorite clear liquid, Junior Johnson’s Midnight Moon Carolina Moonshine.
During the commercial break, Kim’s water breaks and eight-pound Kroy [Moves Like] Jagger Biermann debuts. Viewers are subliminally informed to engage their tear ducts via the “on a very special episode of” soft tinkling piano music. The producers slyly insert a shot of Buckhead’s Darlington Apartments “Atlanta Population Now” sign into the sequence. Regrettably, viewers are left hanging as to whether Kim finally secured her large diet lemonade or if she opted to proceed directly to her favorite brand of boxed chardonnay.
Coming Tuesday night at 9 p.m. on this week’s bonus episode of RHOA. Phaedra and Sheree take Bob to court. Things don’t go well. Or as Sheree explains: “Phaedra just got outplayed by a football player representing himself.”
Note to self: Inquire about bonus episode RHOA recap blog hazard compensation.