RHOA recap: NeNe, Kandi and Cynthia flee Haterville, Phaedra sees dead presidents

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 402: “Surprisingly Rich” recap:

As our weekly excursion into brain synapse abuse opens, NeNe Leakes, Kandi Burruss and Cynthia Bailey are enroute to the beaches of Miami. As NeNe says of Atlanta: “I had to get out of Haterville.” An extended weekend dose of NeNe has Kandi understandably a little nervous. “I’m not really sure what will happen,” the singer says in voiceover. “NeNe does have a history of flipping out on folks.” In the world of understatements, this summation circles the zip code of “Kim Kardashian may not have been hugged enough as a child.”

The girls have barely dropped their bags inside their luxe hotel room when the conversation turns to relationships. Or  as NeNe tactfully asks Kandi: “You been throwin’ those legs back?!” The forgotten 14-year-old bellboy then nervously coughs and inquires, “Is there anything else you need?” An embarrassed Kandi tips the kid and he flees. Let’s pray the denomination of the bill allows him to score a few sessions on a therapist’s couch. Or at the very least, enough to finance a brown paper bag and a can of Krylon.

 Back in Atlanta, a still very pregnant Kim Zolciak is “peeing like every 20 minutes!” as boy toy Atlanta Falcon defensive end Kroy Biermann and Kim’s faithful assistant Sweetie plan a surprise birthday party for the bewigged warbler. “I can’t believe I’m going to be 33,” Kim concedes (perhaps, not coincidentally, at that very same moment here at the Housewives Home Office, we were stubbing out an unfiltered menthol on our arm for only purchasing a case of Rumplemintz to get us through this week’s episode). Apparently hearing all of America laughing, rolling off the couch and striking their collective heads on the coffee table, Kim reiterates: “Yes, really, 33.” At deadline Monday, HHO HQ’s research department was still attempting to confirm the leap year into which Zolciak was birthed.

 Phaedra Parks’ rendezvous with death continues at the Willie A. Watkins Funeral Home where the lady lawyer is attempting to convince Willie to mentor her in the undertaking business. Watkins promptly informs Phaedra the key to success in undertaking is compassion. Her reply: “I’m a master of getting some money!” After explaining that the funeral business isn’t about taking grieving folks for a ride, Willie bites the bullet and addresses Phaedra’s Chanel skirt which is currently taking a ride north of her navel. Tapping on a casket reserved for the indigent, Phaedra pulls down her skirt and hikes up her sensitivity level: “Is this a rental casket? This is like the [Ford] Pinto of caskets.”

 Declaring that she might require “a fresh start” in Miami and away from Atlanta, NeNe and the girls look at a $9 million  beachfront home for the former Celebrity Apprentice contestant (is that the distinct aroma of a spin off we detect?). Since Cynthia and Kandi are both familiar with reality star paydays, they theorize on-camera that NeNe is doing a little fronting for the folks at home. Back at HHO HQ, we poured a shot of Rumplemintz into a gravy boat to toast this brief foray into reality.

 Phaedra, meanwhile, is attempting to explain her fascination with the funeral home biz to her ex-con hubby Apollo. “I like everything about the dead,” she says. “They’re so quiet. I mean, think how quiet it would be to be in a room where no one is alive!” (Phaedra may also want to explore a career in newspaper publishing). She then tries to persuade Apollo into joining her “Saks Fifth Avenue of Funeral Homes” endeavor. But with so many areas of the business for him to choose from, Phaedra thoughtfully breaks it down for him:

 Phaedra:  “We need people to go and pick up the bodies.”

Apollo: “No.”

Phaedra: “You could be the family facilitator.”

Apollo: “No.”

Phaedra: “You could be the embalmer.”

Apollo: “Hell no.”

 Kroy and Kim are having a cozier time at a festive birthday dinner at Antica Posta on East Paces Ferry as Kroy deliberates on when exactly to purchase their unborn son’s first 22-caliber handgun. Over dessert, he surprises the “33”-year-old birthday girl with a $22,000 square chocolate diamond bracelet (technically, this looks less like a bracelet and more like something you might be confined to in the town square if you were caught publicly kissing your wife in Salem, Massachusetts in 1662). Back at the house, Sheree, Kandi, Sweetie and the other surprise party guests hide in the kitchen when the couple returns from dinner. But Kim has to tinkle first (since many viewers may be unfamiliar with the sound of human urination, Kim remains miked throughout).

 Kroy immediately scores a touchdown with the other RHOA ladies. Asked about his post-NFL career plans, he discloses he might like to move back to his home state of Montana to open his own business. “Are there a lot of black people in Montana?” inquires Phaedra. Kroy tells her no. “Maybe we could move with you then,” she suggests. “Wouldn’t Montana love a bunch of crazy black women?!”

 Coming next week: Bravo unveils the 90-minute, commercial-free debut of The Real Housewives of Billings.

 

 

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