“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 311: “Contract Player
Since icy roads prevented us from covering anything of substance Wednesday night, we settled in at Intel Central for a look at this week’s episode.
As the reality show charter bus to CrazyTown careens out of the station, Sheree is visiting her stylist/songstress Lawrence at his Piedmont Road salon, Lawrence Washington Atlanta. The aspiring actress’ weave is immediately assaulted by tumbleweeds. The salon, you see, is completely empty. Explains Sheree: “I’m Lawrence’s best and favorite client so I certainly expect him to stay open after hours just for me.”
Lawrence treats Sheree to a few bars of “Closet Freak,” the single he’s working on with Kandi. Explains Lawrence: “You gotta hear the track because the track is retarded!”
Says Sheree: He has an amazing voice but I hope he doesn’t get too distracted. I mean, who’s going to do my hair?” That swishing sound you hear is the milk of human kindness flowing in Sheree’s veins. The People Store then magically calls Sheree’s cell while the cameras are rolling to inform her they’d love to represent her as her agent.
Nitpicks NeNe: “This is not Hollywood, it’s Atlanta. As long as you have a little bit of a name, an agency will accept you. They’re not necessarily saying, ‘You’re great.'”
Sheree’s first assignment: a few lines in The Soul Factory Theatre production of “Child Support Man” playing a supportive friend. In other words, a real stretch.
Kim is off to AREA (Atlanta Resource For Entertainment & Arts) to work on her tour choreography. The sign outside reads: “Dance Music Drama.” Well, one out of three ain’t bad.
Assesses Kim of her talent: “I’m probably a better dancer than I am a singer.” As usual, Kim is shortchanging herself. Kim is also a better astronaut, a better bridge engineer, a better cardiologist and a better rabbi than she is a singer.
“I feel retarded doing this,” she informs Mitchell the choreographer. Oh, goodie. Lawrence will have some company in his after-school cultural sensitivity class.
“The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” warbler then invites the ladies over to have their fat cells fried via an alleged fat-burning laser machine that Kim says costs $3,000 for six sessions. This was not the machine’s initial function, however. In 1962, it was first used by Ernst Stavro Blofeld as a tool to get James Bond to talk in the 1963 film “From Russia With Love.”
A bikini-clad Kim immediately hops under the red rays to begin her weight loss treatment. For good measure, she orders a small mountain of Papa John’s Pizza to nosh on.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Cynthia presents NeNe with a “friend contract” as a means to smooth over any lingering fallout from NeNe’s recent confrontation with Cynthia’s seriously fractured fiance Peter. “Say what?” NeNe exclaims. “I love Cynthia but we’re not 15. This is definitely some Single Black Female [expletive].”
Sheree’s “presence” (not to mention the 72,000 followers at her disposal on Twitter) lead to a packed house at the Soul Factory Theatre for her big acting debut as Peter apologies to NeNe for his recent “blast off.” But Phaedra and Cynthia have a dust up of their own when the new mother accuses the model of talking smack about her newborn. Warns Phaedra: “What goes on in my uterus is my business!” We are so not going to argue with that.
The episode ends with NeNe and Kim terrorizing the waiters at Twist in Buckhead. For the first time on camera, Kim discusses the possibility of dating her future baby daddy Atlanta Falcon Kroy Biermann despite the fact that the 25-year-old defensive end is a few years younger.
Says NeNe to the server pouring the wine: “I’ll have the whole bottle.” His priceless reply: “I don’t blame you.”