RHOA Recap: Kim’s wig deep conditions a microwave, Sheree drives Damon to drink

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“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 418 “Fresh Princes” recap:

 True to her word in last week’s episode, Sheree dutifully accompanies future son-in-law Damon to shop for engagement rings for her daughter Tierra. Naturally, Sheree directs Damon to Palas Jewelers in Buckhead where the sticker shock is dulled by glasses of bubbly graciously offered to the pair. Sheree steers Damon toward a bauble with a price tag of $70,000. “Jesus Christ!” Damon exclaims. Says a Palas clerk: “See, you need the champagne!” “You can work overtime,” suggests Sheree. “I’d have to become another whole person to afford that!” counters Damon. The kid eventually picks out a more economical ring costing $6,500. At Brio Tuscan Grille, Damon inquires about booking the special event room to pop the question. Perhaps realizing that Sheree will now be related to him if he goes through with this, Damon asks if a full bar comes with the room rental. It does. “I’m going to need to be inebriated,” Damon explains as a Brio waiter brings a trio of white wines for the pair to sample. “You need to be drunk to propose to my daughter?!” Sheree asks. “No. You have to be mentally prepared.” Downing his 47th glass of freebie wine, Damon slurs, “I am melonlly preeeeeepaired!”

 Meanwhile, over at Kim and Kroy’s rented estate, Kim is frantically assembling a homemade lasagna for Kroy’s big homecoming from Falcons training camp. Actually, some preening personal chef named Christopher is making the dinner and Kim is making off with taking complete credit. Kim cautions Christopher against using the appliances: “I was using the microwave to deep condition my wig and it caught fire.” Clearly, Kim neglected to select the microwave’s new “wig deep conditioning” cycle. Speaking of burning things, Kim announces to Kroy and the kids that she’s let faithless pool partying assistant Sweetie go relax in the unemployment line after burning KJ’s breast milk. Kim did not elaborate whether the milk was still inside her body at the time of the incident. Assesses Ariana: “Sweetie did curse a lot.” Apparently, this was an occupational hazard of working for Kim Zolciak for half a decade.

 Over at NeNe’s, the future “Glee” guest star is also pretending to cook with her son Brentt. However, in order to prepare a bowl of guacamole, NeNe needs to ask the kid’s nanny where the cutting boards are kept. Oddly, the cutting boards appear to be housed in the laundry room.

 Just south of the city, Phaedra and Apollo are busy taking over Enon Baptist Church as Phaedra stage-manages little Ayden’s blessing ceremony involving flower girls, four bell ringers and four carriers to carry the sippee cup-clutching one-year-old into the church while riding atop a throne. While most of Phaedra’s RHOA castmates have wisely blown off the festivities, Cynthia and Peter are among those in the congregation. “I’ve never been to one of these,” Peter whispers to Cyn as the Cecil B. Demille-inspired study in modesty threatens to suck all available oxygen from the sanctuary. Technically speaking, Peter, no one (except those privy to fantasies conjured up by Phaedra’s brain waves) has ever been to one of these. Thankfully, Atlanta celebrity shutterbug Spark St. Jude is there to capture all the obscene tastelessness with her camera.

 It takes Kim and Kroy 90 minutes to trek in from Roswell and arrive with a flourish just as the last morsel of cake is being crated up and shipped to the Smithsonian’s permanent collection. Naturally, Kim and Kroy are seated with Cyn and Peter. And now that Kim knows that Cynthia knows that something was said on vacation about Kim being a homicidal racist who secretly wants to burn down an entire orphanage full of AIDS-ravaged black babies in South Africa (or something like that…), things at the table are, well, awkward. Says Cynthia: “I’m just sitting here, watching time stop.”

 We feel ya, Cyn.

 Coming Next Week: NeNe hits Beverly Hills to dip her manicured toe into the Hollywood acting pool and Kroy goes to Kim’s father Joe to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage while saying the word “um” a lot.

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