The Walking Dead Awards: “It’s never gonna get any better than this”

Season 5, Episode 7: It’s not, not, not not funny
Photograph courtesy Gene Page/AMC

(Spoilers ahead)

Each week, we comb through the guts of The Walking Dead, much like a horde of hungry walkers, to bring you the episode’s best moments, surprises, and other post-apocalyptic curiosities. This week: police do not have to self-identify, the dangers of packing a yo-yo, and out, damned spot!

Season 5, Episode 7: “Crossed”

Best Shakespearian performance: Gabriel’s spot-on rendition of Lady Macbeth. At least he had some real blood to wash away.

Worst thing to risk: Beth, when your doctor friend tries to trick you into killing his rival, what makes you think he’s not going to do the same thing again? Especially when he already believes you’re being trained to replace him?

Worst sound mixing for a home theater system: As if nails scratching vigorously on wood weren’t ear-splitting enough, we really didn’t need Gabriel’s craziness amplified through Dolby Digital.

Cleanest spot in Grady: The floor Beth was mopping whilst eavesdropping on Dawn. Note to Beth: The police aren’t T-Rexes. Their vision is not based solely on movement.

Reason those walkers were trapped under a utility pole: Because when it hit the fan and the dead rose to devour the living, one of these people packed neither food nor a weapon, but a yo-yo. He probably hit the pole while trying to walk the dog. Idiot.

Most eagle-eyed cop: Sgt. Bob Lamson, for immediately picking up that Rick is a cop (well, sheriff’s deputy, but alligators, crocodiles). Rick never answered him though. Come on, Rick, if you’re a cop, you like, have to tell us, okay man? It’s, like, uh, in the Constitution and stuff.

Most neglected characters: Are we ever going to see Michonne and Carl do something other than babysit Judith and Gabriel? Carl, we can understand, but Michonne is part of the A-squad. Isn’t this more of a Tyreese job?

Photographs courtesy AMC
Photographs courtesy AMC

Biggest question: Is the fact that Glenn is dressed exactly like the Georgia “Buckle Up” sign foreshadowing something? People don’t exactly have good luck driving on this show . . .

Most obvious trap: Admiral Ackbar would be proud of our ability to predict Lamson’s escape from Sasha. In an episode where everyone seemed to be making great strides with their demons, they almost had us fooled. But nope, it’s a trap!

Best (possible) kill: When Gabriel stepped on that nail outside the church, we can only assume it carried tetanus. Sure, nowadays, you could just go get a shot and be okay, but here, that’ll cost you a week in Grady.

Best line: “Just stay here, guys. Don’t get up. There is nothing for you in Washington.” —Tara

Most disturbing image: Daryl almost getting bit by the napalmed walker. That wail you heard from outside your home wasn’t an ambulance in the distance, it was a million fangirls shrieking in terror.

Episode MVP: Eugene, for pulling through. How’d he survive that beating? That’s classified.

Predictions for the mid-season finale: Carol dies. We noticed that the titles of the last three episodes before the break all start with the letter C. Coincidence?

And once again, where exactly does Rick fall this week on the calm/crazy scale?

Illustration by Matt Walljapser; photographs courtesy AMC
Illustration by Matt Walljapser; photographs courtesy AMC