Who should buy the Atlanta Hawks?

We humbly suggest five alternatives to Bruce Levenson
Andre 3000 and Big Boi
Andre 3000 and Big Boi

Photograph Courtesy Outkast

Lost amid the (completely justified) furor over Bruce Levenson’s internal email complaining about the demographics of attendances at Hawks games fans is the announcement that, after disclosing the email, Levenson has suddenly announced that the team is now for sale. That got us thinking about possible suitors. Our wish list:

1. Mary Brock and Kelly Loeffler: Four years owning Atlanta’s WNBA team, two trips to the league finals. Hawks fans could only Dream of that kind of success.

2.  Arthur Blank: His Falcons are known to have one of the most diverse fan bases in the NFL. Plus: He would find a way to replace the city’s soon-to-be oldest venue (the ancient 15-year-old Philips Arena) without moving the Hawks to Alpharetta.

3. Ted Turner: The patron saint of eccentric billionaire owners because, dammit, we miss Ted.

4. Outkast: Atlanta’s hip-hop royalty could one-up Jay Z’s short-lived minority interest in the Brooklyn Nets by going all in on the hometown hoops team. Just imagine uniforms redesigned by Andre 3000.

5. Tyler Perry: Tyler Perry Presents Your Atlanta Hawks. The team’s valuation of $425 million would essentially double Perry’s net worth ($400 mil) and further his plot of world domination.