What’s your number? It’s probably around twenty-five. That’s the average number of sexual partners for a run-of-the-mill Atlantan, according to a recent study by Trojan. This makes us the most promiscuous city in the country (based on a somewhat narrow definition of promiscuity). Well, technically, we’re tied with NYC when it comes the having-the-most-sexual-conquests superlative, but we think about sex nine times a day to their seven, so I’m giving us the edge. And based on the icons used in the resultant chart (man-woman couples), I’m assuming this highly scientific study didn’t take into account teh gayz. Which it totally should have (at least if the Advocate, circa 2010, has anything to say about it). In which case, I’m pretty sure that number would go up a dozen or so. (Full disclosure: I’m gay, so I’m allowed to make these sorts of jokes.)
We’re also numero uno when it comes to our “overall sense of sexual adventure.” We got 71 percent! Yeah, I have no idea what that means either. I guess we’re down with everything one can find in Fifty Shades of Grey, whereas the prudes in Chicago (who only got 51 percent in this nebulous category) just enjoy making it to third base? Maybe it has something to do with us having the highest sex drive in the country (7.2 out of 10)? I don’t know.
Some other innocuous stats, this time about our region: As Southerners, we have sex 151 times per year. (That’s the national average. Come on, we can do better, y’all.) We’re also pretty sexually satisfied with the sex we have (68 percent satisfied to be exact). Those on the West Coast are less satisfied. Ha! Take that, your stupid coast’s claim to being the Best Coast. Unfortunately, our region is also the most likely to fake an orgasm (44 percent say they’ve faked ’em). Womp, womp.
Now, far be it for me to undermine the legitimacy of a survey conducted by a condom company to promote some new product about getting “charged” (don’t ask). Like all millenials, were it not for Trojan’s late-nineties commercials about how big the cucumbers were on Billy’s farm, I never would have learned about double entendre. So as a writer, I am permanently indebted to the brand. It sits on a special shelf on the bookcase that is my literary education, right next to the hypersexualized produce from the previews to MTV’s Undressed. But I digress.
Ignore the fact that the chart of their results looks like something you’d find on a placemat at Denny’s (I’m not reproducing it here; you’re welcome). Forget that the study’s corporate sponsorship feels like satire worthy of The Simpsons. Focus instead of the sample. The study is based on two different surveys. One tallied the opinions of 1,000 online respondents across the country; the other got answers from 2,000 citizens, but only those living in the ten most important metros (Atlanta made the cut! What, what?!). Plus, the entire survey is solely based on subjective appraisals of one’s sex life. Who’s to say that “super happy” in Manhattan isn’t equal to “pretty dull” in L.A.? And it’s not like anyone’s ever lied about their number before. (Taking into account that and the gays, our average might be fifty!) It ain’t exactly an objective representation of the USA at large, but whatever, we’re number one. I guess we’ll take it. So go out and indulge your sexuality this weekend. As an Atlantan, it appears to be your manifest destiny.
Photograph by je@n/Flickr