RHOA Recap: In Africa, the ladies think of others as a nation uncomfortably averts its eyes


 “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” Episode 413: “Make It Rain Down In Africa” recap:

 As our episode opens, Phaedra Parks, NeNe Leakes, Sheree Whitfield, Kandi Burruss, Cynthia Bailey and interloping ex-con “RHOA” wannabe Marlo Hampton are still mopping up from the Marlo and Sheree’s graphic recreation of the “Twilight Breaking Dawn” birthing scene. As you may recall, at the height of the diva dust up and in a grand demonstration of her cultural sensitivity and in-depth knowledge of Bravo’s target demo, the clue-impaired Marlo let fly with a certain f-word.

 “You don’t use that word,” Cynthia reflects. “I’m really surprised she went there. Marlo has quite a few gay guys in her camp.” Make that had. Currently, the only thing Marlo has is a series of increasingly whiny voice mails from GLAAD and a dinner invitation from John Rocker awaiting her back in Atlanta.

 Sheree, Kandi and Phaedra arrive at Sheree’s friend Kevin’s South African home and are treated to a dinner party featuring African drummers and a fire dancer. Naturally, the single lady who won a Grammy for co-writing “No Scrubs” gets seated next to Vince, an under-employed model-actor-bartender-budding music producer. When Kandi asks if Vince has ever acted professionally, he smiles seductively and replies, “No, never. I’m a natural actor. I’m naturally funny. I crack jokes. If you spend an hour with me, you’ll get a six-pack.” Assesses Kandi in voiceover: “I’m used to people in Atlanta faking it til they make it but didn’t think I’d go all the way to Africa to find someone doing the same thing.”

 In other words, thanks for playing, Vince.

 The ladies reconvene late night at Jade nightclub where etiquette instructor Marlo greets Sheree by extending her middle finger. She then locates an ATM, withdrawals her “RHOA” stipend, creating a cash cloudburst to “make it rain, Atlanta stripper style” as Cynthia describes it. Phaedra’s take? “I’ve never seen anyone make it rain in a club where people have their clothes on and intend to keep them on.” Kandi and Phaedra immediately reallocate the funds to their bosoms. Says Phaedra: “Ayden could use some new shoes, some Pampers and some souvenirs.”

 The next morning, the ladies travel to the African bush to go on a safari. While the game reserve they’re booked into sports a spa and a 24-hour gym, Marlo inquires about hair and make up. “You’re on safari, not a fashion show!” fumes Phaedra. For her safari wardrobe, Marlo selects a pair of Jimmy Choos and “Solid Gold” disco pants she apparently acquired at a Gloria Gaynor garage sale in New Jersey.

 Phaedra, Kandi and Sheree’s tour guide points out the more scenic sights along the way, stopping to collect “a sample” of elephant dung, conveniently located roadside in piles the size of a small mountain range. After picking it up with his hands and enthusiastically sniffing it, the helpful guide explains you can light and inhale the pachyderm poop for use as a headache remedy. Phaedra politely declines, saying, “Oooh, I’ve got Advil for that, honey.”

 Before their visit to an orphanage filled with 60 kids “infected by or affected by HIV/AIDS,” the ladies stop off to buy the facility supplies after inquiring with the local school children about their needs. Inside, Kandi buys an armload of shampoo, Sheree selects chicken bologna and bread, and Cynthia buys mouthwash, Q Tips and a 20-pack of bathroom tissue.

 Marlo, meanwhile, thoughtfully picks out home permanent kits. 

 In what is perhaps the most selfless act ever performed on a Bravo reality show with the word “Housewives” in the title, the ladies then dispense much-needed supplies to the orphanage and commence playing with the children. Somewhere, Mother Teresa is smiling. She is also scratching her head and silently, spiritually asking,  “Who are these trifling bitches and how can they walk in those nine-inch Jimmy Choo wedges?”

Coming next week: The African adventure ends with some face-painting and another Marlo-centric scream-a-thon as the vacationing ladies reach out and touch Kim Zolciak back in Atlanta in order to pick a long-distance phone fight at the low, low price of $52 per minute.