RHOA recap: Lawrence gets mugged by Tina Turner & Madonna, Phaedra’s super-sized gift leaves a bad taste

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 404: “Jewels Be Dangled” recap:

 As this week’s episode of locally produced migraine-triggering reality television opens, Kim Zolciak is receiving a mea culpa visit from Phaedra Parks. Last week, the Atlanta attorney’s husband Apollo got into an intense verbal altercation with Cynthia Bailey’s hubby Peter at Kim and her boy toy baby daddy Kroy Biermann’s baby shower. A lavish apology gift basket is delivered. As is frequently the case with RHOA, there’s a teachable moment for viewers. Kim’s social etiquette tip? “Note to self. Keep the ex-cons and the [expletive] off the guest list next time.”

 The Atlanta Falcon and his Autotuned sig other are then visited by Mama Lisa, a woman who comes into their home toting a diapered doll. Mama Lisa’s onscreen identifier is “baby consultant.” With trademark modesty, Kim, the mother of two daughters explains: “I don’t know what to do with a penis.” While Kim and Kroy are visibly unnerved by Mama Lisa’s painfully explicit depiction of a circumcision, the bewigged wonder is still capable of artfully articulating the reams of medical research she’s clearly consumed about the procedure: “I don’t want him growing up with a pee-pee wearing a turtleneck.”

 Alleged Atlanta nightclub operator Peter, meanwhile, is finding out one of his Bar One investors has bounced a $40,000 check just one week before the nightspot is scheduled to open. Perhaps oblivious to the perilous state of the household finances, Cynthia and NeNe are giggling out on the patio, nonchalantly swilling a bottle of Moet Imperial Rose. Her nose now full of pricey bubbly, NeNe discloses that she and her estranged husband Gregg got horizontal when she returned home from Miami. How did Gregg manage to entice his strong-willed wife between the sheets, you ask? NeNe describes the intense wooing thusly: “Gregg brought my luggage in and he didn’t just set it in the doorway. He took it all the way upstairs.” Of course, NeNe feels the need to provide us with a three-dimensional recap of the event: “It sure was good. Gregg lays it down, baby!” Peter perhaps speaks for all 2.8 million viewers watching when he replies, “I don’t want to be in this conversation.”

 Up in Ellijay at the future home of Chateau Sheree, the She by Sheree fashion line icon and Phaedra are checking out the work site. Shockingly, it looks remarkably like it did when we last saw it. Sheree’s builder Andrew explains he’s awaiting a necessary building permit. Equally shocking, Phaedra sees things differently: “Everybody knows a builder will tell you anything to get the check. They’ll blow smoke up your butt with a bubble blower if they need to. Especially if they’re dealing with a lady.” Phaedra then informs Andrew, “I know I’m not going to have to sue you, right?” In voiceover, Phaedra provides some insights into her nuanced, intricate legal maneuver: “I just want this guy to know he ain’t dealing with no punks. Me and Sheree will get into his butt.”

 Back at Kim and Kroy’s, we’re guessing the Comcast is out. To relieve their boredom, Kim, who now appears to be in her fifth trimester, suggests taking a pregnancy test since “Kroy has never seen a positive pregnancy test before.” Unless he sustained a previously unreported  blow to the head during practice, we’re not quite sure why Kroy requires a pregnancy test at this point (a paternity test, on the other hand, would be a perfectly reasonable request).  Kim waddles over to show Kroy the test. It boasts a countdown clock, a plus sign and the word “YES” spelled out for the user in bold letters. Apparently, this is from the new Home Pregnancy Test For Dummies line of products.

 Grammy winner Kandi Burruss is busy renting the rooftop of the Renaissance hotel on West Peachtree for her 35th birthday party. And yes, warring factions NeNe Leakes and Sheree Whifield have both been invited. Phaedra comes prepared, with an apple for snacking and a taser in her purse. “I never leave the house without my taser,” she explains. “They should be happy I left the 357 in the car.”

 Sheree’s stylist/songstress Lawrence arrives in a blue denim mini skirt, a brown spiky hair do, a black lace top, all accented with a slash of bright red lipstick. Basically, the dude looks like “What’s Love Got to Do With It” video Tina Turner and “Borderline” video Madonna ran into each other on the set of Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” video and things didn’t end well.

 Everything is going swimmingly until Phaedra rolls out a large red package out for the birthday girl. Inside is a large brown package named Ridickulous. This is Phaedra’s favorite well-endowed stripper. He emerges in a white terrycloth warm up suit (even clothed, RHOA producers opt to blur everything from his waistband down). Then, the stripper disrobes and begins swinging a certain liberated body part around. And around. And around. Then he thoughtfully stirs the birthday girl’s cocktail with it. Perhaps fearing that things are about to take a turn toward tasteful, Ridickulous then proceeds to Lewinsky himself right there. On the roof top in front of everyone.

 Kandi’s mom and the show’s unofficial moral compass Joyce promptly excuses herself. “This is seriously [expletive] up!” she exclaims. “I don’t like no damn strippers. I ain’t never liked no damn strippers!” Perhaps realizing that even her mouth cannot top the evening’s featured entertainment, NeNe rapidly departs the party. But Joyce isn’t through schooling her 35-year-daughter. “You should have more respect for me!” she scolds. “That was very degrading. It wasn’t cool.” Kandi chases her mother to the exit but Joyce drives off warning, “Don’t call me!”

 Coming next week: The City of Atlanta cites the Renaissance Hotel for the 4,765 health code violations racked up during Ridickulous’ six-minute performance.

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