RHOA Recap: Phaedra quits Sheree, Cyn spells class F-E-L-O-N-Y

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 408: “New Tricks” recap:

 As this super-sized 75-minute televised sign of the apocalypse opens, Sheree Whitfield is visiting her attorney Phaedra Parks to complain about the less than stellar outcome at her child support hearing with ex-hubby Bob Whitfield.

 “I did what I was supposed to do and I filed what we talked about,” defends Phaedra. “Bob is two steps ahead and that’s frustrating,” replies Sheree. “You and I need to talk. This is my life.” Phaedra cuts her off to offer a gentle reminder about how the world indeed works. “Sheree, you didn’t really retain me until 3:30 the day before. I don’t file paperwork until I get my money because I would be a fool to put my name on a case before I’ve been paid for it.”

 In order to salvage their close, personal, only-when-the-cameras-are-rolling, made-for-TV friendship, Phaedra hands Sheree back her retainer check, along with a list of referrals.

In voiceover Sheree tells viewers: “I am so relieved Phaedra decided not to represent me anymore. I didn’t know how I was gonna fire her ass.”

 Kim Zolciak and Atlanta Falcon Kroy Biermann are moving their five-person family into a 17,000-square-foot mansion. Tellingly, Kendra, the home’s “previous owner” (i.e. Kim and Kroy’s future landlord) doubles as a “celebrity interior designer,” who drops by to work on the renovation project. “She’s the best decorator there is,” Kim explains. “We’ve been planning for weeks. I want what I what. Whatever it costs, it costs.” Kendra pulls up a comfy red velvet-lined ornate gold throne chair in an equally gold room Elvis would have deemed tacky to discuss details. Kim then reveals she has four more storage units of this crap.

 Over at Phipps Plaza, fashionista Cynthia Bailey is hosting an art opening at Chic Evolution in Art galley. One of the attendees ogling a colorful crocodile sculpture is wearing a Masters tournament green-hued jacket Kim’s living room would clearly envy. This person is not Tiger Woods. “I used to be a member of the art scene in New York,” Cynthia explains. “So I’ve made it my mission to bring more New York class down to Atlanta.” Apparently, someone needs to provide Cyn with the Peachtree Street address of the High Museum and break the bad news that a cartoon zebra glued to a rhino glued to a giraffe on display in a mall shop is not seriously considered “art” to anyone over the age of 10.

 Cyn’s friend and RHOA wannabe Marlo Hampton arrives sans her former NFL boyfriend Charles Grant, who is perhaps more famous off the field for being indicted on involuntary manslaughter charges in Early County, following a 2008 nightclub fracas (the charges were later dropped and Grant pleaded no contest to public fighting and paid $1,000 fine and $20,000 in restitution). This past month, RHOA gossip blogs have been busy posting Grant’s latest mugshot, reportedly snapped after he was arrested in Colquitt for writing bad checks. It would appear this is a trait the pair shares. Marlo has a collection of seven mugshots on the web, stemming from arrests on everything from aggravated battery to writing bad checks to possession of a firearm by a convicted felon.

But let’s have Cyn, our favorite “New York class” relocation program administrator explain why Marlo’s presence means so much: “Having Marlo attend my event is definitely a stamp of approval from Atlanta’s high society.”

 In other words, Cynthia would like Santa to bring her a GPS, a subscription to Atlanta Social Season magazine, an Internet search engine and brain cells this year.

 Singer-songwriter Kandi Burruss, who earned her money the old-fashioned way  (writing Grammy-winning songs for TLC and Destiny’s Child) isn’t satisfied with Marlo’s recent explanation that her current financial blessings came “from God.” Kandi opts to confront the fronting felon about her finances. Marlo dodges the question, perhaps distracted by the fact that she’s inside a mall art galley in close proximity to a cartoon zebra glued to a rhino glued to a giraffe. Says Kandi in voiceover: “I know exactly where my money came from. Hard work. Now, Marlo says she’s always been good with money. Meaning she’s good at holding onto money. She doesn’t blow money. The question is, does she blow to get money?” Finally, Marlo fesses up that she’s gotten a monthly allowance from a series of wealthy boyfriends. “What’s theirs is mine,” she explains. “I should never have to ax for money. A man should just know what my money needs are. I shouldn’t have to ax him.”

 And that, dear reader, completely free of charge, is some sound, Warren Buffett-inspired financial advice from a member of “Atlanta’s high society.” However, here at Housewives Home Office HQ, we’re still perplexed by one thing: Does Marlo have a speech impediment or did she just cop to something on national television that will surely result in an eighth police booking photo?

 Over at Cynthia’s hubby Peter’s Bar One nightclub, the “power couple” is preparing for a photo shoot while arguing about her tardy party invitation mailing for the grand opening of her new fashion modeling school. As Cynthia’s supportive spouse explains: “It always falls back on me. I’m hard on Cynthia because nothing was ever given to me. I have failed 99 times so I can tell you 99 ways not to do it. I need her to fall on her ass to know not to make these mistakes again.” Yeah, this marriage has real legs.

 Kim, meanwhile, has hired the luxe high-end moving company Two Men and a Truck to move all three cubic tons of her classy crap. Kim thoughtfully details the action for those of us unlucky enough not to be there in person: “They’re breaking [expletive]. It’s a cluster [expletive].” As her two-week-old infant KJ cries inside, Kim warns the movers, “Be careful with my baby!” She is, of course, referring to her desk, a piece of furniture that appears to have been acquired from Siegfried and Roy’s eBay store.

 But no worries: Kim’s most precious cargo — Sierra, Farrah, Dolly, Deborah and Candy — are being transported — safely seat belted — inside Kim’s personal vehicle. Perhaps in honor of her favorite performers at the Pink Pony, these are the names of Kim’s human hair wigs. RHOA producers, meanwhile, assure us no actual blonds were harmed during the making of this reality show.

 Coming next: Blessedly, Bravo programmers are bestowing an early Christmas present to the tired, wildly intoxicated elves at HHO HQ. Fresh episodes of RHOA will resume in 2012.

 

 

 

 

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