The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 405: “Whine Bar” recap:
As this week’s exercise in liver sadomasochism opens, we learn Phaedra Parks owns a cut glass cake plate and dome. With her initials painted on it. She’s baked Kandi Burruss a cake and delivered it to her Tags Boutique after last week’s Ridickulous surprise stripper-gram resulted in multiple accidental blindings on the rooftop of the Renaissance hotel. Apparently, Phaedra believes a conciliatory cake can make up for an adult entertainer interpreting the word “cocktail” a touch too literally. However, the most horrifying element of this sequence has nothing to do with Phaedra or Kandi. It’s the Bravo advertisement for some atrocity titled Kim Zolciak’s Due Date scheduled to hurl onto the airwaves next Sunday at 9 p.m.
Cynthia Bailey has invited the other ladies to her fashion show/2012 Summer Olympics sprinting trial at the Atlanta Botanical Garden in Midtown where she’s forcing runway models in 11-inch heels to strut their stuff down the entire length of the walkway encompassing the Great Lawn. Hopefully, Kaiser Permanente is a corporate sponsor and was able sneak oxygen masks into each goodie bag. Viewers quickly learn as an emcee, Cyn makes an impressive model. In particular, the words “manifestation” and “tenaciously” were apparently not on her SAT exam. “I get these cards to read with some of the craziest words I’ve ever seen,” she explains in voiceover. “It was really confusing.” Good thing she’s pretty.
Speaking of confusing, viewers learn via an argument with her ex Bob Whitfield that the former Atlanta Falcon has not paid child support since the couple’s split four years ago. As in ever. Bob explains his rationale for non-payment thusly: “You’ve been an able-bodied female for the past four years, haven’t you?” Phaedra urges Sheree Whitfield to allow her to file a court petition on her behalf. She asks: “How would he like some bologna sandwiches on white bread? Because that’s what they serve in county [jail].” Sheree hesitates about putting her ex-hubs in the slammer. But Phaedra advises: “When they show up to court, they usually have a check. Whey they hear that clang clang behind them, if you ain’t got a check, you’ll go find a check.”
Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann are two weeks away from downloading Kim’s newest hit single, their six-plus pound kid. Dr. Hood, Kim’s ob/gyn is still having flashbacks from her last delivery. He tells Kroy, “She was using combinations of words that I don’t think are anatomically possible and that I know are illegal in at least two states.” Kroy, meanwhile, is going to make an amazing Lamaze partner. “You just have to get past the shoulders,” he coaches. (FYI to Kroy: Not everything Mike Smith utters is applicable off the field in Flowery Branch). Kim’s oldest, Brielle, is horrified by the concept of breast-feeding and doesn’t have an entirely favorable response when Kim informs her she was also breast fed as a baby. “Are you serious!?” I have to go brush my teeth now.”
Things get almost as awkward when Cyn’s hubby Peter hosts a preview of his new Grant Park eatery Bar One Tapas & Lounge (“It’s in the hood!” Sheree exclaims. Granted, when you’re building a chateau in Helen, Grant Park is the hood, comparatively speaking). Peter’s co-host NeNe Leakes (“She’s a huge celebrity, especially in Atlanta,” swears Cynthia) is two hours late to the air conditioning-challenged, sweltering summer soiree. Sniffs Sheree of the financially troubled nightclub impresario: “I guess NeNe gave Cynthia and Peter five minutes because she thought that’s all they could afford.” So guests don’t forget he’s married to a bona fide celebrity, Peter unveils a photograph of an Afro-ed out Cynthia roughly the size of her Atlanta Botanical Garden catwalk to hang on the back wall. Oops. Sorry, Cyn. There’s another big word. Hopefully this will help.
Coming next week: Kim goes into labor and gets her own Bravo childbirth spinoff as Atlanta Police are called in to investigate after Green’s entire inventory of cheap chardonnay mysteriously evaporates.