RHOA recap: The ladies reunite at Biltmore, dislodge priceless crystal chandeliers with screeching

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“The Real Housewives of Atlanta” Season Four Reunion Part One Recap:

 When Bravo “Watch What Happens Live” host Andy Cohen hit Atlanta to tape the three-part “Real Housewives of Atlanta” reunion at the Biltmore last month, he also reportedly hit Blake’s on the Park for some adult beverages. Unlike Cohen, after watching the first hour of this reunion, we wouldn’t have waited. We would have been sitting in the Georgian Room of the Biltmore with Sheree, NeNe, Kim, Phaedra, Kandi and Cynthia with an IV stand and an inverted bottle of Tanqueray dripping directly into a vein.

 In short, the 60-minute screeching session was interrupted only by local TV ads for weave outlets and attempted televised enticements to watch “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” There will likely be a CDC study soon on the correlation between Bravo programming and a spike in dry cleaner bag self-suffocations among recap bloggers.

 Naturally, the festivities open with a slap to our fair city. Bravo producers assembled a montage of clips from season four of the housewives announcing which designer label happens to currently be on their behinds. The basic assumption of course is that style insecure Atlantans, unlike those in New York or Los Angeles, feel the need to share this information ad nauseam. Technically speaking, this is only true of Atlantans who also feel the need to sign contracts to have a reality show film their largely manufactured-for-TV lives for years on end.

 Between shouting matches, the ladies had news to report. Kandi is now in love with a Bravo production manager who works on “RHOA” while Kim announced that she and Kroy are pregnant with baby number two (she declined the report the baby’s sex, surely a morsel she’s saving for her next payday with Life & Style magazine). Bob Whitfield still hasn’t paid Sheree any child support (according to Sheree, that is) and Phaedra reflected on working with former client Bobby Brown and the late Whitney Houston. “I knew him to be a great father and she was a really great wife and mom,” she told Cohen. Houston, meanwhile, recorded “Tell Me No,” a song written by Kandi for her 1998 album, “Just Whitney.”

 Back to the loud talking. Kandi’s Bedroom Kandi line of sex toys is selling brisking (according to Kandi) and acting above it all, NeNe still wants no part of it, even months after her hasty departure from the Bedroom Kandi launch party at Shout. Kandi gently reminds NeNe  that her previous career path involved a pole. Or as Kandi more delicately phrased it: “You were bending your ass over somebody’s face for money and then you want to talk about me?!” NeNe was succinct in her reply: “I DON’T WANT A DILDO. IS THAT A PROBLEM?” Got it. Moving on.

 Discussing her less than fruitful attempts to get her NFL ex-hubby to pay child support with Phaedra representing her this season on the show, Sheree informed Cohen and viewers that off camera Phaedra called in another family law attorney to counsel her on how to handle the case on screen.

Phaedra promptly objected. “I didn’t need help. What do you think I did for Bobby Brown all those years? It’s called family law. But I’m going to let you wear the crown because you’re the queen of throwing everybody under the bus.”

 Sheree conceded that things have slowed to a crawl on the construction of Chateau by Sheree. Or as Phaedra more precisely described the progress: “Dirt and grass.” NeNe has another phrase for it: “Neverland.”

 A screaming match between Kim and NeNe erupted after NeNe copped to tweeting that Kim and Kroy are renting the luxurious mansion they moved into with much fanfare this season (and with much horrifyingly large photography of a naked Kim and Kroy splayed on the walls). Explained NeNe to Cohen: “When you move into your dream house, you don’t rent it.”

 Kim announced that Kroy has just signed a fresh three-year deal with the Atlanta Falcons and they are now set to close on the house this month. “Do you know why we rented the house?” Kim asked NeNe. “Because Kroy is a free agent.” Finally, a dose of reality actually managed to make it onto a reality show. Bravo, indeed.

 Coming Next Week: Marlo joins the mêlée as Kandi wags a finger and tells one of the housewifely heffers, “I could have jumped through the TV and choked the hell out of her!”

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