“Real Housewives” recap: Kandi creates a “Closet Freak,” NeNe “throws shade”

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“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 306 “Trashed Collection” recap
As our weekly exercise in voluntary brain injury opens, Kandi is working on breaking an emerging recording artist who looks suspiciously like Sheree‘s gossiping hairstylist Lawrence.
 
Promoting him as “the out gay RuPaul of the next millennium,” Kandi presents Lawrence with an original song she wrote for him: “I’m Not Your Closet Freak.”
 
Sniffs self-professed gay icon Kim: “I think Lawrence is only going to be able to reach a certain audience. I mean, good luck in Kansas.”
 
Kim is at Kandi’s to work on recording her follow-up to “Tardy for the Party”: “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing.”
 
Producer Focus (who has worked with Beyonce and Christina Aguilera) then gets a load of Kim’s nicotine-enriched pipes in the recording booth and promptly lowers his jaw until it hits a Hobbit in Middle Earth.
 
Explains Kandi of writing a song with more of a high-end range than “Tardy:” “I wanted to challenge her a little. Kim is going to have to put in the work.”
 
Good luck with that.
 
Kim just cleared $20,000 to lip sync a three-and-a-half minute dance track in front of 10,000 screaming, tweaked out, half naked gay boys who would have applauded Liza Minnelli if she had come on stage and gargled a contact lenses for them.
 
Speaking of impaired work ethics, NeNe‘s grown ass son Bryce is still mooching off mom, living at home while remaining blissfully oblivious to the existence of asparagus as a vegetable.
 
Stressing the need for Bryce to have a close encounter with a J-O-B, NeNe explains: “I want him to be 25 and successful and I’m gonna ride him like a cowboy until he gets it.”
 
Speaking of successes, Kim’s yard/estate sale in the parking lot of BB’s Best Burgers in Duluth is a complete success. At least by her father Joe‘s standards. He somehow unloads $300,000 of overly ornate crap for the low, low price of $10,350. You’ll recall that Joe enjoys a glass of wine. Or 12.
 
But Kim isn’t parting with her collection of mirrors. Explains Kim: “You can’t have too many mirrors. My hair could change every two feet or something and I need to be able to look in a mirror.”
 
Sheree, meanwhile, is deciding whether or not to kick her relationship “doctor” to the curb after she discovers he’s staying at a — gasp — Holiday Inn.
 
During a commercial break for the looming “Top Chef All Stars,” Atlanta’s own former “Top Chef” contestant Richard Blais announces: “There’s nothing like being embarrassed in front of five million people.” Richard’s apparent solution for this televised mortification? To allow “Top Chef” season five contestant Carla to take a pile of pie dough and smash it into his face in the commercial. Well played, Richard!
 
This week’s “Housewives” ends with Cynthia and Peter‘s visit to maritally challenged NeNe and Gregg‘s house. The evening, an unofficial infomercial for Grey Goose vodka, makes “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” look like an episode of “iCarly.”
 
After Gregg accuses NeNe and Cynthia of “throwing shade” (the Urban Dictionary defines this thusly: “To talk trash about, to publicly denounce or disrespect”), NeNe proceeds to get all up in Gregg’s grill.
 
“You must communicate!” NeNe nags. “If you don’t communicate, it’s like, major, yo.”
 
Gregg’s response: “I don’t really like to talk to nobody.” Gregg then retreats to the basement where viewers learn he is currently residing.
 
Out of earshot, NeNe confides to Cynthia that Gregg’s been cheating, adding: “I am going to divorce Gregg.” Naturally, NeNe follows up this threat with “Now where the [expletive] is my drink at?!”
 
Coming next week: Phaedra utters the phrase “penis ointment.”
 
 
 

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