Somebody cue Leonard Cohen‘s “Hallelujah.” Sweet Jesus, we made it to the season finale.
As our 90 freaking minute finale opens, everyone’s favorite self-absorbed runway model Cynthia is still stressing over her upcoming wedding to broke businessman Peter.
Apparently, in order to properly plan said wedding, you need a dry erase board the size of Montana. In the middle of your living room.
The Normandy invasion required less plotting.
Problems Nos. 1 and 2: Cyn’s wedding dress isn’t finished and neither are the bridesmaids’ dresses. “But,” Cynthia reassures her sister, one of the aforementioned bridesmaids, “We can do a Target run for the bridesmaids’ dresses.”
Problem No. 3: The $3,000 liquor bill hasn’t been paid.
Cynthia ponders whether having a cash bar “is worse than me going out and killing someone.”
Mama Barbara weighs in: “Do you really need to have a bar?” Cheese and crackers, lady, the answer is YES. We can’t imagine WATCHING this show sober, let alone LIVING it without the benefit of booze.
Sums up Cynthia: “I don’t do broke well.”
Kandi and Kim, meanwhile, tangle over producer and writing fees for the Kandi-penned “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing.”
“The whole situation is bootleg,” Kandi explains. “But as long as Kim takes care of her business, we’ll be fine.” Translation: This is why Kim’s follow up to “Tardy for the Party” has yet to debut on iTunes. . .
Sheree auditions for something called “If These Hips Could Talk,” Phaedra struggles to leave little Ayden on her first day back to the office and then, magically, it’s Cynthia’s wedding day.
“Celebrity stylist” Kithe Brewster arrives, scarfs some breakfast and tells Cynthia: “It’s not too late to run.” Cynthia is not amused: “Telling a bride it’s not too late to run on her wedding day?! I could have done without that.”
And we could have done without revisiting the contents of Kithe’s breakfast as it rolls around in the style maven’s mouth as he talks to the bride.
Both Cynthia’s sister Mallorie and her mother attempt to talk her out of the wedding to the verbally and financially abusive Peter. “I’ve got to follow my heart,” she explains.
Gregg crawls out of his basement man cave long enough to stick some season-ending closure on his marriage to NeNe. Possibly auditioning for a role as a future guest on “Dr. Phil,” Gregg tells NeNe: “I didn’t acknowledge your hurt.” The apology doesn’t phase NeNe: “I do not want to be one of those women who stays. I know my worth.”
Over at Kim’s abode, the wig wearer is bellowing for assistant Sweetie to help her get out of bed. On a microphone. Kim has apparently had a boob job since the Miami trip and Cynthia’s wedding will mark the new twins’ public debut.
Atlanta Falcon Kroy Biermann is Kim’s date. Bless his heart.
As they enter Fernbank for the wedding, Sheree sniffs: “Kroy is a big improvement over Big Poppa. He’s tall. And he’s not married.”
Noting the couple’s financial issues, Kim assumes the wedding is BYOB. Kim explains: “Do you really think Cynthia is going to have good wine at her wedding when’s she’s crying over not having a honeymoon?” Handing a bottle of chardonnay to a waiter, she instructs him: “Stay on top of me with that.”
So what best benefits this rare vintage Kim has brought? Apparently, ice cubes. Lots and lots of ice cubes.
When one guest inquires about the absence of flowers, Phaedra responds, “Well, I guess the dinosaur is a wonderful accent. ” In voiceover, Phaedra’s claws make a cameo: “This wedding is very lavish. Some people in Atlanta love to front like they have money when they’re really in foreclosure and bankruptcy. So it doesn’t surprise me that Cynthia was able to pull off this million dollar wedding with 50 cents.”
Adding to the unintentional hilarity: The groom shows up plastered. Leaning on Legendary Event owner Tony Conway, Peter slurs: “I am so [expletive]-ed up right now.” To which Conway cooly replies: “You look smashing. You smell smashing as well. Don’t wander off anywhere else. Stay.”
Peter slurs: “I wanna vodka and cranberry.”
Meanwhile, backstage, Cynthia’s mother and sister have snatched the marriage license and contemplate telling the bride it’s lost but think better of it.
And just when viewers are certain that Cynthia has pulled a dine n dash at her own wedding, she appears, stunning everyone in her silver couture gown at the top of the stairs. She explains: “When I saw Peter, I knew I was doing the right thing for the first time all day.”
The minister advises the couple: “Marriage should not be entered into lightly but soberly.” Blessedly, the minister does not have a Breathalyzer.
At the reception, Kithe Brewster apparently inhales most of the $3,000 bar tab and thinks he’s in Massachusetts. Announcing the happy couple, he introduces them as “Mr. and Mr. Peter Anthony Thomas.”
But after suffering through several buckets of tears, Cynthia is beaming in the episode’s final moments. She says in voice over: “You don’t meet people that you want to spend the rest of your life with everyday. When that happens, you owe it to yourself to go for it. You owe it to yourself to find love.”
The love fest will be short-lived amongst the ladies. The yelling and screaming return when the two-part “RHOA” reunion special, filmed at the Georgia Aquarium, airs on Bravo Feb. 13 at 10 p.m.