RHOA Recap: Ayden turns 1 (with 12 cakes!), Marlo is kidnapped by GLAAD

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“The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” Episode 417 “The Error Apparent” recap:

 It’s Ayden’s first birthday and Phaedra and Apollo are going all out to celebrate. All the way out to the Splash Zone water park in Gainesville. A chartered bus has been rented, four party planners have been hired, 12 birthday cakes have been created and little Ayden even has his own brand of bottled water (featuring a photo of him donning a Burberry hat) for guests to sip on. The attorney and fledgling funeral director has apparently even paid former RHOA hanger on/fame whore Dwight Eubanksbail and hired him as the party’s emcee. “My son is a prince,” Phaedra explains. “He’s royalty in Atlanta. Money is no object where Ayden is concerned.”

 Not every guest is pleased. Cue Sheree’s voiceover: “This water park is two hours away. OMG. Who invites someone this far for a one year old’s birthday party? And Dwight is here?! In a face-full of make up? In a suit? Phaedra must have brought him up from the dead.”

 Speaking of RHOA hangers on/fame whores, Marlo pops by Lawrence’s Buckhead hair salon to inform him that — whoopsie — maybe she did actually utter a certain hate-filled gay slur in Africa during her fight with Sheree after lying to his face about it in last week’s episode. “I was back pedaling,” she explains. Lectures Lawrence: “I don’t want you to ever say that word again.”

 Clearly, the etiquette instructing, queen of manners Marlo has received the message by now and realizes how grossly inappropriate using the f-word is, right? “Lawrence, are you serious?” she asks. “I can’t say [f—–]? What about saying [f—–] to someone who doesn’t mean anything to me?” That squealing of wheels you hear is a black van with tinted windows and no license plate being driven by members of GLAAD as they arrive to chauffeur Marlo to her dinner engagement with Sir Anthony Hopkins who has been hired to recreate his classic dinner scene with Ray Liotta from “Hannibal.” We can only pray that when this particular piece of Marlo’s brain is re-wired, it will involve the same lobe that causes her to confuse the words “ask” and “ax.”

 Sheree’s daughter Tierra, meanwhile, pours mom a big girl glass of wine and informs her that, after six years, her boyfriend Damon appears ready to pop the question. But apparently the young man has to have lunch with his future mother-in-law on the patio at Straits first. In the broiling sun. Explains Sheree: “If he thinks he’s going to take this to the next level without talking to me first, that is not going to happen.” Damon then confesses he’s already talked to Sheree’s no-child-support-paying ex Bob Whitfield, the man Tierra calls dad.

 “She came out of this body,” Sheree says. “Bob had nothing to do with it. He’s not her biological father. I’m her mother. You need to come this way.” Sheree then volunteers to help Damon shop for an engagement ring. “What’s your budget?” she asks before instructing, “it needs to be at least three carats.” Damon may also need to shop for a new brand of anti perspirant.

 Coming Next Week: Ayden is baptized and arrives, carried in on a throne during a ceremony cribbed from Bishop Eddie Long’s recent king crowning. But with fewer allegations of predatory gay sex and jheri curl toupees.

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