Tag: The Real Housewives of Atlanta

“The Real Housewives of Atlanta” Episode 412: “South Africa: Just Like Home” recap:As our episode opens, that clinking sound you hear is the ladies on a 16-hour flight to Cape Town, South Africa. It’s also the sound being generated at the downtown Atlanta Convention and Visitors Bureau as this hot mess of a reality show flies far from our fair city for 10 days. With luggage carts crammed with designer suitcases, Phaedra Parks, NeNe Leakes, Sheree Whitfield, Kandi Burruss, Cynthia Bailey and interloping ex-con “RHOA” wannabe Marlo Hampton attempt to board the airport elevators without causing the cable to snap, ending the episode before we’re even properly buzzed on our 40-gallon drum of Goldschlager. Essentially, these women have brought enough wardrobe to clothe every man, woman and child living in South Africa.

When part of your job description entails mercilessly mocking a certain Atlanta-set reality show, it's always awkward when you actually run into one of the cast members face to face. For example, when we spotted Atlanta attorney Phaedra C. Parks this week at the soiree for Georgia's 2012 Grammy nominees at the downtown W, we braced for a) a beating with a metal folding chair or b) a hug.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 410: “We Come in Peace (And Packing Heat)” recap:Editor's note: On Monday, we chose to observe the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. holiday with our own public service project. Not recapping RHOA.With the NFL lockout still in place, Kim Zolciak and her Atlanta Falcon boy toy/baby daddy Kroy Biermann opt to while away the hours at Sharp Shooters USA in Roswell. In an effort to redefine family fun, baby K.J. is with them. As they arrive with tot in tow, the sole female employee at Sharp Shooters USA is silently paraphrasing Reese Witherspoon’s dialogue from “Sweet Home Alabama” (“Look at you. You have a baby. In a firing range.”). Kim instantly makes Swiss cheese out of her paper target using a variety of lethal weapons (“She’s a great shot, a real pistol-packin’ mama,” praises her instructor). Kim is hesitant about actually owning a firearm, however, until she spots a nine millimeter with a bubble gum-hued handle. “Oh, this is adorable,” she tells Kroy. “I’m excited!”

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 409: “Unlikely Duos” recap:It’s the first all-new RHOA of 2012 and, perhaps not coincidentally, Georgians can now purchase alcohol on Sundays. As our weekly incentive to consume copious levels of grain alcohol opens, Phaedra Parks is explaining her funeral home business strategy to her pastor mama, Regina. “I want to have funerals worth dying for!” she explains. “I don’t want to just throw ‘em in the ground, I want to throw ‘em in the ground with a bang.” At deadline, the jury remained out on how that prospective slogan might play on a church fan.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 408: “New Tricks” recap:As this super-sized 75-minute televised sign of the apocalypse opens, Sheree Whitfield is visiting her attorney Phaedra Parks to complain about the less than stellar outcome at her child support hearing with ex-hubby Bob Whitfield.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 407: “Law by Sheree” recap:As this week’s bonus episode of the television equivalent of a Georgia 400 16-car pile up opens, viewers learn details about about Sheree Whitfield’s sketchy ex Bob Whitfield’s surprise legal maneuver in Sunday’s episode. He’s filed a petition to modify his child support agreement, claiming his income dropped from $20,000 a month to $3,000. Or as Sheree shrieks at her attorney Phaedra Parks, “He wants to modify a child support agreement he’s never made!” Sheree fears Bob’s celebrity status as a former Atlanta Falcon will hamper her efforts in court. Phaedra assures her she’ll get her money.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 406: “Three Wigs and a Baby” recap:As this week’s smorgasbord of intellectual malnutrition opens, Kim Zolciak is clutching her wig, downing a cream cheese adorned bagel and heading out the door to give birth. She preps her Atlanta Falcon baby daddy Kroy Biermann appropriately: “Whatever I do or say today, don’t hold it against me.” With a previous pregnancy, her epidural didn’t take. Or as Kim more thoughtfully phrases it: “It was nine pounds au naturel. It was like a Mack truck driving through your whoo ha.”

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 405: “Whine Bar” recap:As this week’s exercise in liver sadomasochism opens, we learn Phaedra Parks owns a cut glass cake plate and dome. With her initials painted on it. She’s baked Kandi Burruss a cake and delivered it to her Tags Boutique after last week’s Ridickulous surprise stripper-gram resulted in multiple accidental blindings on the rooftop of the Renaissance hotel. Apparently, Phaedra believes a conciliatory cake can make up for an adult entertainer interpreting the word “cocktail” a touch too literally. However, the most horrifying element of this sequence has nothing to do with Phaedra or Kandi. It’s the Bravo advertisement for some atrocity titled Kim Zolciak’s Due Date scheduled to hurl onto the airwaves next Sunday at 9 p.m.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 404: “Jewels Be Dangled” recap:As this week’s episode of locally produced migraine-triggering reality television opens, Kim Zolciak is receiving a mea culpa visit from Phaedra Parks. Last week, the Atlanta attorney’s husband Apollo got into an intense verbal altercation with Cynthia Bailey’s hubby Peter at Kim and her boy toy baby daddy Kroy Biermann’s baby shower. A lavish apology gift basket is delivered. As is frequently the case with RHOA, there’s a teachable moment for viewers. Kim’s social etiquette tip? “Note to self. Keep the ex-cons and the [expletive] off the guest list next time.”